no hope for a better past.

18 Aug


I am divorced. Its kind of weird to say. I was a married man with 2 kids, a job, a business, a house, and 3 cars. I was respected and had a pretty wide circle of friends. Not anymore, I am divorced.

I was a married man for 20 years. I am not a great person to be married to. I have issues. It sounds like I am being self-deprecating. I really am not. Now that I am divorced and dating some, I hope to never meet someone just like me. I am thinking about putting a statement on the dating websites stating that if we are a perfect match, I really don’t want to meet you. The difference between me as a married man and a single guy is the willingness to change. I allowed myself to be frozen into a picture of a perfect family and perfect person for 20 years. I even drank enough that it could be called self-embalming. I was pickled. And now I am growing into a gerkin. The great thing about pickle juice is that the salt and vinegar kill so many things. It killed the hurt, the emotion, and the ambition to change. The problem for leaving the pickle juice behind is that it stops killing you. You feel that hurt, the emotions, and want to live again. My ex-wife liked me pickled better, I was more consistent.

I have been a father of two wonderful girls for 16 years (so far). Does anyone have any clue how to do this? I am not so sure I really understand the parental role. There was a time that my expectation was to just change an occasional diaper, speak in baby talk, and do the night time feeding. Then they suddenly stopped sleeping 20 hours a day. It went downhill after that. I tried to keep up but really hadn’t paid attention to potential role models. When we divorced, the girls got pummeled by the shrapnel that seems to always go along with divorce. MY worst parenting mistakes have to do with divorcing their mother. I delivered babies. I have seen 100’s born. It looks like it hurts. Being reborn also hurts. But I think watching rebirth hurts all those people around you worse. It hurt my ex-wife and my kids. They still hurt.

I had a job and business. My rebirth went reasonably well. I had a birth defect, however. I didn’t see my need to be validated. I didn’t see my intimacy issues. I didn’t understand that I was me regardless of what others said I was. I missed the seminar on self-esteem. Well, birth defects can create some big problems later. Mine did. I responded out of the defect, out of a dead area, rather than from the new being. It resulted in the loss of my business and career choice. I tried to stop the hemorrhage. I was unable to do that and my life bled to death, slowly.

I had friends. I thought that the people saying they liked me and wanted to be around me liked me for me. I figured it was normal to do things for your friends. I enjoyed helping with appointments, medications, diagnosis, and opinions. I was doing it for a friend. The largest mistake I made was not betting on the mad sprint away from me when the divorce happened. It was faster than the speed of judgment. I was impressed with the biblical knowledge and quoting as people climbed the wall to get away from me.

I am alive. I was never a positive person. However, I don’t want to be called a pessimist, so I go by cynic. Somehow, that feels better. My rebirth must have had some positivity transfused through the umbilical cord. The realization as I stood in my brother’s basement, without a family, a job, and a career was that I am meeting the core me. I have been given the gift of a do-over. My life is a do-over. I say again, does anyone know how to do this?

I have friends. It was amazing. Some people came out of the woodwork. I was introduced to true friendship. I found out that there are people who will be honest and supportive. They told me how I messed up but they would sit with me through this. I was gifted a Silas partner. I met Barnabas.

I am a school bus driver. Yes, it kinda sucks. I feel lost and underemployed. I learned humility. I have restarted and learned that I don’t quit. It isn’t my final career, but it is a start. I will get there. Do-overs aren’t always easy, apparently.

I see my girls as often as I can. I go to events and concerts. I ask questions about what they are doing. I can hardly wait to see them. I rejoice at their laughter. I say, “I Love You.” I am engaged. I am still not an award winning father, but I am tons better dad than I was 10 years ago. I hope they can forgive me.

I have dated. I have met several women. I have met fantastic people who have changed my life. I am enamored by one woman who is wanting to grow. She is not afraid of learning about her heart. She is courageous, smart, beautiful, broken and healing, open, and mysterious. I wont let myself be a zombie in this life ever again. Surrounding myself with people like that will help me be un-undead.

God found me. I wondered around lost for decades. I blew up my life. I changed. I traded a 2 dimensional vending machine God for a relationship with a caring, loving God. I have abandoned all hope of a better past and remind myself to take one step at a time.

Live alive.


Posted by on August 18, 2013 in divorce, journey


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

9 responses to “no hope for a better past.

  1. Susan

    August 18, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    This is so powerful–so gut-wrenchingly honest. I feel the need to read it several times more just to absorb it…chew on it…apply it to my life.

    Keep writing, T. I appreciate and respect you more than you probably realize.

    • iamnamed

      August 18, 2013 at 11:27 pm

      thank you so much, Susan. you know, I am respecting and appreciating myself much more as of late.

  2. Meg

    August 18, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    You are a very brave person! I still admire you!

    • iamnamed

      August 18, 2013 at 11:26 pm

      thank you so very much. Not brave, broken and wanting to heal

  3. Bonnie and Jim

    August 19, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    T, read you email and sorry for your hurts, disappoints, and maybe even anger, but trust in God. He has a path for you to follow so listen and listen more. God Bless you!

    • iamnamed

      August 19, 2013 at 8:33 pm

      thank you. I am trying to grab on to trust. somedays its easier than others

  4. codedjeannie

    August 20, 2013 at 12:43 am

    This is really touching.. Thanks for being courageous to post this.. God heals.. Time heals as well.. Be strong for your kids.. It’s not yet late to change.. Stay happy!

    P.S. Thanks for following my blog..:)

    • iamnamed

      August 20, 2013 at 12:45 am

      thank you very much. I keep trying!

      • codedjeannie

        August 20, 2013 at 12:49 am

        You’re welcome.. 🙂

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