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who am I, Alice?

19 Aug

Do the couches you sit in change size? I think mine do. Several times today I have felt whatever I was sitting in grow or shrink. Seriously. Now don’t call the rubber wagon, I didn’t talk to them and they didn’t chase me anywhere. But they did change size.

It started early this morning. I got up and got breakfast and sat in my favorite chair. I was online and applying for jobs. I found a few pastoral counseling jobs that I really would fit well. One of them had a supplement application where I had to describe my journey. As I typed my transformation and about my faith, my chair shrunk. I felt triumphant. I felt like I was trying to take a step into life. My chair shrunk under the magnitude.

I went to talk to a counselor. I sat in the sensible couch, staring at the sensible wall clock. She sat in the sensible chair across from me. We had a sensible conversation. Then it changed. We talked of my daughters and their hurt. We talked about the possibility and likelihood that my best efforts and perseverance might not make a difference. The sensible couch grew into a nonsense size. It swallowed me as I heard dastardly tales and hidden agendas. The room may have done the Samba, but I am not sure.

I left and went to a meeting where I talked to several friends about how to navigate these stormy waters. As they listened in horror and gave advice, I began to see that I might have to let go of my daughters so they can heal. The movie, “Cocktail”, flashed in my mind. Tom Cruise said, “You can help someone get over anything except you.” That thought conflicted with my desire to never give up, to always be present. I felt the chair growing. My legs dangled over the side. I swayed my feet like a kindergardener in the principal’s office.

As I drove home, I felt the seat oscillating in size. It was too big then too small. It was hard to drive. I felt a little panicky and a lot mad, which covered my hurt nicely. Suddenly, a voice. It wasn’t the seat. It was me, quoting Desmond Tutu, “God loves you right where you are and too much to leave you there.” It didn’t erase the problems, but at least the chair stayed the same size.

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Posted by on August 19, 2013 in faith, journey

 

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