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Hope, hope, wash your mouth with soap

20 Aug

Somedays hope feels like a 4-letter word.

I think in the ‘America’ song, “A horse with no name,” the name was “Hope” but he abandoned it.

How many times have you let the horse run free on the third day? Me too. hope</a

I had a good friend comment on my post, "Abandon all hope of a better past." She stated that she didn't agree and pointed out that only by not abandoning the past can we repair it and make the future better. I totally agree. I really meant to stop trying to change the past to be a better reality. What's done is done. Learn from it and move on. That hope of changing the past is riding that horse in the desert without a direction. I get nowhere and the horse gets tired and loses its' name.

I have spent over a year in a free fall. Each traumatic event, each hate message, each dirty look, each disappointment, I continued to ride the horse, Hope. I was nearly knocked off hundreds of times. Fortunately, the horse righted me. Hope was all I had. Hope and I were buds.

Sometimes, horses bite. The problem with riding a horse is sometimes you are clinging too hard or riding too fast for too long. Hope wears thin. Hope without action or direction is a dream. The dream is a unicorn. It looks pretty but very few people get to ride one. The desert is vast and direction is difficult to determine. When wondering in a desert, the wind storms, the sand, and the sun torment you and it is easy to lose what you think is a direction. Hope wears thin and sometimes horses bite.horse bite

Do you remember the anguish when you set the horse free? You know that it is your only chance at survival, but can’t hold on anymore. The pain in your head and heart swell. You can barely breathe. The bridle you were using in an illusion of control over Hope slips over the ears. The bit slides between the yellowed and bared teeth. The worn saddle collapses from the heaving back. Sweat glistens. Excitement is palpable. You lament the loss of Hope. You feel abandoned. You can suffocate from the heat. You feel the weight of the desert. You reel from the wind. Do you feel it? desert

However, the horse doesn’t run off. Hope bit because I was trying to control it. Hope stays with you if you welcome it and refrain from abusing it. I had gotten comfortable wandering the desert on a tired and sweaty horse. I steered the horse, I whipped the horse, I manipulated the horse. So, Hope bit me. Hope can’t take me to a destination, but it can partner with me to get me there.

What’s your horses’ name?

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Posted by on August 20, 2013 in divorce, faith, journey, Uncategorized

 

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