OK, God, I am pissed.

26 Aug

OK God, I am pissed. I am calling you out. I know the last time I did this, my hip hurt for weeks, but bring it on. Where are you in all of this? Why do I call out in the dark and despair and hear nothing but the echo?

I get that I did not follow your Will when I made my catastrophic mistake. I understand that I have been self-will run riot. I hurt people I love. Your people. But I paid for it. My children are emotionally absent from me. I am divorced, I am underemployed. I am hurt. I have danced in the shards of glass from a shattered life. I admitted my mistake and was fierce about the self exploration to reveal my character defect. I was honest about it. I was exposed and vulnerable. I have tried to lean into You. I have prayed and meditated. I have loved.

So where are you in the midst of the barbs and digs? Where are you in the hate mail and messages? Where were you as friends and family walked away? Where are you in the fear and hurt? Where are you? Why can’t I feel You near? Why can’t I see you at work in my pain? Why? Just why?

Thank you for the friends who sat with me when I cried. Thank You for relationships that could be honest and supportive. Thank you for the chance to do the job I do have. Thank You for laughter, tears, and joy in the midst of the pain. Thank you for hope, even though it seems threadbare sometimes. Thank you for those words you spoke through others. Thank You for letting me rest in you. Thank You for those moments of serenity and peace. Thank you.


Posted by on August 26, 2013 in divorce, journey


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3 responses to “OK, God, I am pissed.

  1. Debbie

    August 26, 2013 at 11:16 am

    We don’t always feel God near and I’ve learned not to always trust my feelings. That is where faith comes in and faith is a choice to believe the truth. God is always with us and nothing can separate us from His love…not even our feelings or lack if them.

  2. Susan

    August 26, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    I hear your heart, T. So appreciate your authenticity. I sure can relate to your anger. I have asked Him many times just to show Himself somehow, someway–just because I needed the reassurance that He is there…that He loves me.

    Debbie makes a good point, and I agree with her. Still, sometimes I need the reassurance for my heart even though I get it “in my head.” I guess maybe that’s where I’m weak.

    Keep writing.

  3. Maggie Brown

    August 27, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    “Journeys bring power & love back into you. If you can’t go somewhere, move in the passageways of the self. They are like shafts of light, always changing and you change when you explore them.”
    ~ Jalal Al-Ain RUMI


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