OK God, I am pissed. I am calling you out. I know the last time I did this, my hip hurt for weeks, but bring it on. Where are you in all of this? Why do I call out in the dark and despair and hear nothing but the echo?
I get that I did not follow your Will when I made my catastrophic mistake. I understand that I have been self-will run riot. I hurt people I love. Your people. But I paid for it. My children are emotionally absent from me. I am divorced, I am underemployed. I am hurt. I have danced in the shards of glass from a shattered life. I admitted my mistake and was fierce about the self exploration to reveal my character defect. I was honest about it. I was exposed and vulnerable. I have tried to lean into You. I have prayed and meditated. I have loved.
So where are you in the midst of the barbs and digs? Where are you in the hate mail and messages? Where were you as friends and family walked away? Where are you in the fear and hurt? Where are you? Why can’t I feel You near? Why can’t I see you at work in my pain? Why? Just why?
Thank you for the friends who sat with me when I cried. Thank You for relationships that could be honest and supportive. Thank you for the chance to do the job I do have. Thank You for laughter, tears, and joy in the midst of the pain. Thank you for hope, even though it seems threadbare sometimes. Thank you for those words you spoke through others. Thank You for letting me rest in you. Thank You for those moments of serenity and peace. Thank you.