I have had a rough time for the last several months….ok… many months. I had a really good weekend this weekend. I got a chance to escape and divest myself from it all for awhile. It is a weird thing. You know how when you are distracted and having a great time, sometimes the issues sneak in? It happened to me today. It might have been that I was thinking about having to leave and return back home. It may have been the realization that home doesn’t feel like home sometimes. It may have been that I feel like I am running on ice in my life right now.
I went home. As I drove, my book on tape ended. The song came on talking about the Voice of Truth. You know the song? Talks about how all the things lie to him and tell the guy he isn’t worthy or able or whatever. Then he lovingly declares the Voice of Truth tells him a different story. I used to really like that song. I liked the idea of God telling you that you were ok when you don’t feel ok. I don’t like that song anymore. Why does God talk in soft sweet voice? Why does he whisper? I want God to use his big boy voice. No, I want God to do something. I need help. I have been praying. I have been meditating. I have been trying. I have been clinging to my Faith. I have been searching for a new church. I have been trying so hard. Maybe God is whispering. It might be the only reason I can get back up after the last knockdown. It might be the reason I lean on friends, ask for help, apply for jobs, re-educate. But, my Faith wanes. I feel lost. I hear the voice telling me that I will fail again. I feel it deep inside like standing too close to the speakers at an acid rock concert in a bar.
I want God to speak up. I need to hear it. I need to see it. I need divine intervention. I need God to take some action. Nothing super big. I don’t need purple skies, or yellow water. I really don’t need sticks that think they are snakes, or water from a rock. I will listen to what Jesus says, and I won’t tell anyone. I am not even talking about the lottery or a Ferrari. I am just talking about directions. I will take a fax, an email, heck even a post it note. I just want to know what I can do that wont feel like running on a frozen lake. I don’t even need to plan out the whole ending. I just want to know the next step.
Please God, speak up!