holy moly, I am ok

26 Sep

Well…looky there…I’m ok. I shouldn’t be shocked or surprised, but I am. I didn’t think I could feel ok. But here I am, all ok and stuff.

I work up this morning feeling a little anxious. I am not sure why, but there was just something wrong. About 2.5 weeks ago, I decided to pray for my ex and her fiancĂ© every day for 2 weeks. I also prayed for my daughters’ emotional safety with the rapid and dramatic changes. I decided it was ok that I really only felt one truthfully. It was not an easy experiment. There were times I just couldn’t stop crying and other times, I couldn’t stop yelling. The only change I noticed in the 2 weeks is that I wasn’t emotional by the end of it anymore.

That was 1/2 week ago. I woke up this morning feeling just off center. I ruminated about the impending marriage. I am not near as concerned about that as I am with being replaced. I just feel so squeezed out of their lives. I miss them. I love them, but I am persona non gratia at this point. I was reading an article about “fused” marriages. The idea is that you get so stuck in the illusion that you cant change and grow. The marriage dies because there is no change to accommodate changing needs. I think of it as the shiny veneer of trying to be perfect. As it gets hazy or chipped, the tendency is to cover it up and hide the imperfection. If it can’t be hidden, the rejection takes place. I think I had one of those marriages. The biggest problem is that I developed a fused family. I hid my imperfection and taught my family to do that as well. My imperfection grew and was exposed. My needs had changed and I had changed, but my family couldn’t. They had never learned how.

I was feeling the rough edges of the rent caused when the fusion tore. I was anxious. I prayed. I tapped my hands back and forth. I thought stopped. I even pretended Donald Duck was saying it. Something worked. I feel ok. I am not falsely elevated. I am not down. I am ok. Thanks Donald!

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Posted by on September 26, 2013 in divorce, journey


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