I am a bit bitter right now. I am mad for sure, but also sad. I feel confused and scared. I feel like running, I feel like hiding, and I feel like fighting. My heart is confused. My head is bewildered.
My ex sent me a reminder 2 days ago about my oldest daughters track meet. It was odd because she specifically has said that she will no longer communicate other than google calendar. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured it was just more convenient to get my younger daughter there. It is raining today and I stood out in the rain so I could cheer on my oldest daughter. As she finished the race I heard other people yelling for her. It turns out my ex brought her fiancé to the race. (He lives in Texas). I wondered away as I saw this stranger hugging my family.
How the heck does anyone get through divorce?
I was thinking today about how long my marriage had been mediocre at best. I thought about the times I wanted to switch careers. I imagined the Talking Heads singing, “This is not my beautiful house…” I had thought that I don’t really like my ex anymore and we really didn’t enjoy doing anything together. I remembered feeling remorse about getting married as early as the first few months. There were times that were pleasant, even good. We had fantastic kids. We painted a beautiful image, but it was a nice picture and that was it. I don’t want to be married to who she is now.
The mistake I made was praying for a life I wanted to live. I prayed to live real and honest to my God spark. You have to be careful what you pray for. I got it. And it hurts. I am not so sure I understand why I have to have so much pain all at once. I am hoping that to make up for the pain, God does some really cool thing in my life.
Oh yeah, He did. I have amazing friends. I have amazing family. I have connected with a wonderful woman. I have a house, a job (of sorts), and some dreams. I feel emotions again, sometimes all at once. I am learning about myself. I have passion. I know I am more of a weeble (I wobble and don’t fall down.) I know God is there. I know He loves me. I am safe, I am warm, I am loved.
How do we get through this? We wobble and don’t fall down. We pray. We rejoice. We feel. We live, we hurt, we dream, we LOVE.