not such a lovely moment

27 Sep

I am a bit bitter right now. I am mad for sure, but also sad. I feel confused and scared. I feel like running, I feel like hiding, and I feel like fighting. My heart is confused. My head is bewildered.

My ex sent me a reminder 2 days ago about my oldest daughters track meet. It was odd because she specifically has said that she will no longer communicate other than google calendar. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured it was just more convenient to get my younger daughter there. It is raining today and I stood out in the rain so I could cheer on my oldest daughter. As she finished the race I heard other people yelling for her. It turns out my ex brought her fiancé to the race. (He lives in Texas). I wondered away as I saw this stranger hugging my family.

How the heck does anyone get through divorce?

I was thinking today about how long my marriage had been mediocre at best. I thought about the times I wanted to switch careers. I imagined the Talking Heads singing, “This is not my beautiful house…” I had thought that I don’t really like my ex anymore and we really didn’t enjoy doing anything together. I remembered feeling remorse about getting married as early as the first few months. There were times that were pleasant, even good. We had fantastic kids. We painted a beautiful image, but it was a nice picture and that was it. I don’t want to be married to who she is now.

The mistake I made was praying for a life I wanted to live. I prayed to live real and honest to my God spark. You have to be careful what you pray for. I got it. And it hurts. I am not so sure I understand why I have to have so much pain all at once. I am hoping that to make up for the pain, God does some really cool thing in my life.

Oh yeah, He did. I have amazing friends. I have amazing family. I have connected with a wonderful woman. I have a house, a job (of sorts), and some dreams. I feel emotions again, sometimes all at once. I am learning about myself. I have passion. I know I am more of a weeble (I wobble and don’t fall down.) I know God is there. I know He loves me. I am safe, I am warm, I am loved.

How do we get through this? We wobble and don’t fall down. We pray. We rejoice. We feel. We live, we hurt, we dream, we LOVE.


Posted by on September 27, 2013 in divorce, journey


Tags: , , , , , , ,

3 responses to “not such a lovely moment

  1. Tim

    September 27, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”

    Praying for you, friend.

  2. Billie Knitig

    September 28, 2013 at 6:52 am

    We get through it because we have to!How we do that is up to us,and that is the true test of our character and who we are.We all stumble ,fall, get hurt.When I was a little girl had skinned knees all the time from riding my bike to fast on gravel roads or skating but most important I didn’t let the pain stop me from what I was passionate about I got back up and kept riding;)

  3. Susan Irene Fox

    October 6, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    We get through it because He is there at every step – holding us up, or carrying us when we can’t walk it ourselves. And then, all of a sudden, when we’re ready, He gives us wings like eagles…


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