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Go Deep!

06 Oct

I had a God day. I said it the right way. I don’t mean good day, I mean God day.

It has been a long time in the making. Let me review, briefly. I was living a life of plastic and facades. I hid behind what I wanted you to see. I was scared. I was dishonest in my opinions and actions. I behaved in a way that I thought “you” wanted me to. I lied to myself too. I told myself that it is good business. I told myself that is the way to get ahead, get better grades, get girls, whatever. I built an empire on the lie. I was married. She is a great person. She is intelligent, attractive, determined. However, our ability to live a lie to each other was unparalleled. We said the right words. We looked very happy to everyone else. I had a business and career. It looked very satisfying. The thing about being a business owner is that everyone assumes you have lots of money and lots of free time. Neither is true. I felt trapped. The foundation was built on a lie. The lie of perfect.

Almost 7 years ago, I stopped believing my own lie. I started to want to live the truth. I wanted just to live. I woke up slowly. I took deliberate steps to become alive. I was newly reborn and scarred to death. I pushed hard on myself to recover. I did all the right things. I said the right things. I excelled, on the outside. Inside, I kept hearing the same messages, “You are worthless,” “I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall,” “you have to pretend you are the best or they will see the real you.” I spent so much time trying to do it right, I forgot to really do it. I wanted it so bad, I forced it. It wasn’t following God’s will. It was a foundation of sand, no strength, no substance.

MY life imploded.

I went to see a counselor. He challenged me. He asked what I needed to learn in my down time. I haven’t been able to restart a career or find a new one. IT has been a long and painful time. I have been humiliated and humbled. He asked what I needed to learn. I said, “Trust.” I needed to learn how to trust God, others, and myself.

At a meeting this morning talking about, “It could have been worse.” We spoke of our past and that perhaps it wasn’t as catastrophic as we say. I suggested it was just as bad as it needed to be to get my attention.

I really just wanted to go home or to the gym. Something said I needed to go to church. I decided I would go to one close and then go work out. I found myself driving to the church about 20 minutes away. Something said I needed to be there. I kinda grumbled to myself. The praise band played 4 really long and silly songs. I am not a fan of 7-11 songs (7 words sang 11 times). I grumbled. The sermon started off with standing and listening to the Bible verse. I grumbled.

He told of his story. The story of losing everything and then meeting a friend. The friend said, “Isn’t God’s grace wonderful.” He talked about wanting to slug him. I would have. His friends point is that if a life is built on a shaky foundation, isn’t it loving to tear it down? I still would have slugged him.

The sermon went on. I heard that I have a do-over. He talked of going deep. He told of Jesus telling Simon to take his nets into the deep waters to cast. He talked about needing to go deep into our faith and love. What I heard is that I need to take the love and support that I have gotten. I need to take the successes and failures. I need to take the whole of me as a beloved child of Christ and let it through my head into my heart, deep inside. I need to feel as well as know. God wants to bless me so that I get to be a blessing to others. I get to be the blessing that others were to me. I get to stand up again and lean into life, others, and God.

I get to Go Deep.

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Posted by on October 6, 2013 in divorce, faith, journey, life

 

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