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fog

18 Oct

I have a fog. It moves in and clouds my vision, strangles my heart, and shadows my brain. I imagine it like the old movies of back streets in London. You can almost eat the fog with a spoon, like puffy ice cream. It hovers nearby at all times, but if I am moving I can keep ahead of it. I can run into the light and the fog dissipates. The light clears my vision, releases my heart, and warms my brain.

There are times I feel the fog lurking and moving in. I begin to feel panicky. I look for a way to keep running. I seek the light. I try and make plans to escape the fog. I start to identify and categorize the triggers that make me feel the lurking. They are situations, people, and reactions I have had. I feel that way when I am uncomfortable with an interaction. I feel this way when I feel the need to prove myself or show I am worthy. I feel this way when I am faking who I am. It hurts. The fog creeps slowly in. My reaction has always been to fake it harder and better. I avoid situations and people. I hide and hope the fog will creep past me. It never does. It actually makes it worse when I do that. The fog is thicker and denser. The light becomes remote and hidden.

I have been consumed by the fog. It grabbed on and wouldn’t let go. I panicked and sought a way to escape. There was no way to avoid it. I hid, I cried, I screamed, all to no avail. I ran. It felt like I was running on ice. I slipped, scurried, floundered. I expended great amounts of energy, but made it no where.

I rested. I looked at the fog. I understood it was what it was. I cant see in it or out of it. However, I know that God holds my hand here. The light is there in the darkness, more than out of it. I cant avoid the fog. I cant hide from it. I cant outrun it.

The fog slows me down to be still. The fog allows me to accept that I am not in control. The fog tells me that the most important moment is this one. The fog comforts me in the present. The fog lets me understand that my vision is clouded even in the light. It isn’t my job to judge. The fog releases my brain from plotting and planning. The fog protects my heart.

I feel the warmth.

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Posted by on October 18, 2013 in journey

 

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