leaping lizards

03 Nov

I am a little confused. Befuddled. Wack-a-doodle.

I am feeling liberated and imprisoned.

I am sad and happy.

I am devastated and estatic.

Its not really all that bad. I have certainly been through all the emotions. Prior to a dramatic change about 7 years ago, I had diminished to having only anger. I faked emotions pretty well. I could say the right words, even look the part. But once I was out of the situation, I would let myself bubble forth with the familiar anger I so enjoyed. I would revel in it and then escape from life. I was dying, emotionally and spiritually. I didn’t really care or notice.

I am divorced and it has been less than congenial. I have seen lawyers, and parental alienation experts, and counselors. It has not been an easy process at all. I have tried to be principled in my dealings with my ex wife and kids. IT hasn’t really helped anything at all. As I said, it is not congenial and the kids have become very angry and echo more than communicate.

All this to say that I have had a pretty emotional year and a half. It is ironic that as I begin to feel emotions again and to live again, I am in the midst of a tornado. Caught up in this tornado is all the debris of an old life, stale lies, lost dreams, new dreams, vibrant truths, and new adventures. It spins around me. I stand in the middle—it is calm as I watch it all whistle past. I know that God stands with me in the eye of the storm. I watch it and can understand that what whizzes by isn’t real, it isn’t really who I am. However, I stand there and watch the swirl and I have that temptation to leap back into the storm. It is overwhelming. I am calm and free and without fear and I just want to rejoin the chaos I have created. The urge overwhelms me, it calls like a Siren call. I beg God to lash me to the pole like Odysseus. He lovingly grants me the choice. He holds my hand. He comforts me. As I leap, He leaps with me. I get pummeled by the debris. I grow expectations. I have demands, lusts, and cravings. I beg God to save me once again. I beg that the spinning stop. As with Peter, He is there immediately.

We stand in the eye of the storm and I have the urge to leap again. This time I pause. I ask why I do that. I listen to the whispers that God speaks through others, and sermons, and books, and music. God just smiles, winks, and says, “Trust.”

Leave a comment

Posted by on November 3, 2013 in journey


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Shameful Sheep

shit storms, shame, and stories that make you cringe

What Gives?

Big ideas in a tiny body


Wandering in my wondering...

shellbegly91's Blog

A modern business theme

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce

Connecting God

Theology in Context

K E R M I T ' S space


Beautiful Life with Cancer

Discovering the Gift

Globe Drifting

Global issues, travel, photography & fashion. Drifting across the globe; the world is my oyster, my oyster through a lens.

Handcuffs Hurt

Dan Madden


This blog reflects the thoughts, feelings and confusion of a christian woman going through a divorce and the thoughts post-divorce.

Chronicles of Jazzmine Bankston

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."-C.S. Lewis


A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

Lydia Robbins

Hold on, let me write this down


Turning Tears & Laughter into Words

Unshakable Hope

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

%d bloggers like this: