I am a little confused. Befuddled. Wack-a-doodle.
I am feeling liberated and imprisoned.
I am sad and happy.
I am devastated and estatic.
Its not really all that bad. I have certainly been through all the emotions. Prior to a dramatic change about 7 years ago, I had diminished to having only anger. I faked emotions pretty well. I could say the right words, even look the part. But once I was out of the situation, I would let myself bubble forth with the familiar anger I so enjoyed. I would revel in it and then escape from life. I was dying, emotionally and spiritually. I didn’t really care or notice.
I am divorced and it has been less than congenial. I have seen lawyers, and parental alienation experts, and counselors. It has not been an easy process at all. I have tried to be principled in my dealings with my ex wife and kids. IT hasn’t really helped anything at all. As I said, it is not congenial and the kids have become very angry and echo more than communicate.
All this to say that I have had a pretty emotional year and a half. It is ironic that as I begin to feel emotions again and to live again, I am in the midst of a tornado. Caught up in this tornado is all the debris of an old life, stale lies, lost dreams, new dreams, vibrant truths, and new adventures. It spins around me. I stand in the middle—it is calm as I watch it all whistle past. I know that God stands with me in the eye of the storm. I watch it and can understand that what whizzes by isn’t real, it isn’t really who I am. However, I stand there and watch the swirl and I have that temptation to leap back into the storm. It is overwhelming. I am calm and free and without fear and I just want to rejoin the chaos I have created. The urge overwhelms me, it calls like a Siren call. I beg God to lash me to the pole like Odysseus. He lovingly grants me the choice. He holds my hand. He comforts me. As I leap, He leaps with me. I get pummeled by the debris. I grow expectations. I have demands, lusts, and cravings. I beg God to save me once again. I beg that the spinning stop. As with Peter, He is there immediately.
We stand in the eye of the storm and I have the urge to leap again. This time I pause. I ask why I do that. I listen to the whispers that God speaks through others, and sermons, and books, and music. God just smiles, winks, and says, “Trust.”