juggling under the influence.

04 Dec

My heart yells. My soul screams. My brain melts. I want laser vision so I can blow up some stuff nearby. To the outside world, I appear calm, except for my jutted jaw and clenched teeth. I know that soon I will explode. The tea kettle in my oblongata is whistling with the force of a train. I juggle the steaming, white hot, balls of fury quickly to try and not add, “my hands are scalding”, to the list.

Sometimes I can feel relatively calm. I can pretend that the scalding balls aloft before me don’t burn me as much as they do. I gently try and blow on them as they pass by my face. They heat my face, my chest. They singe my hair, my eyebrows. I smile, exteriorly confident, interiorly terrified.

I set the balls aflame. I made a mistake and the tumultuous balls, buzzing with kinetic energy, ignited. I tried to juggle faster, thinking it would quelch the fire. It seemed to help, temporarily. I couldn’t keep up the pace of the circus act and the fires raged even higher. I smiled even broader. I tried to distract myself from the pain and applied for more jobs, let myself dream, read books of parenting, read books on spiritual growth. I listened to professionals. I backed off, yet remained present. I addressed the hostility and alienation directly, indirectly, upwards, backwards, sidewards, and any other wards. I clamored. I pleaded. I gulped. I prayed. I rested. I persist. I am told of the long range benefits despite the absence of solace currently. I am told I just need to juggle some more.

I am tired. I am sad. I am hurt and lost and frustrated and appalled and angry and overwhelmed. I persist. I continue to juggle. I wonder how long the balls will want to remain aflame. I know I don’t want to let them go, but also that I can’t keep it going indefinitely. I persist. I am tired.


Posted by on December 4, 2013 in divorce, life


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “juggling under the influence.

  1. candidkay

    December 4, 2013 at 11:27 am

    It is hard. No doubt about it. Really hard. And yet, moments of joy–even if just moments, at the beginning. Which will grow. And then, even in the midst of the muck, with much time, you will find that the balls can only ruffle your calm so much. I wish you the best.

  2. Susan Irene Fox

    December 4, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Close your eyes. Breathe. Whisper His name. Repeat as many times as it takes to feel your fists unclench and your heart inside your body. I get it. Praying for you.


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