I have decided to give everyone I know a new and exciting gift this year. I am giving out brain piercings. I thought about brain tattoos, but the gelatinous consistency of brain matter made that too difficult. The tattoos looked like the saggy results of a chest tattoo being stretched by man boobs. It wasn’t pretty.
I came up with the idea when I woke up this morning with a headache. I get them fairly regularly, and today was a whopper. I generally get them directly behind my right eye. They are stabbing pain and feel better if I close that eye in a permanent wink and push on my eyeball slightly. I did the remedies I know, take a bath loaded with vapo-bath, snort water to clean out the sinuses, take aspirin, drink coffee. The headache gods were against me today and it persists. I thought that it sounded like a good idea to stick an icepick in my ear to try and poke out the spasming vessel that was offending my pain receptors. As I considered this new remedy, the thought occurred to me that it wouldn’t be a great idea because as I removed the icepick, the pain might recur. To be truly effective, I would have to leave the icepick in place. That is fine with me, but it isn’t very decorative. I could hang ribbons on the wood handle, but still it wouldn’t glimmer with the holiday season. The only way to truly relieve this pressure and to be in style was to pierce my brain. My course seemed clear.
I was pretty tired after such consternation so I didn’t complete the procedure as I dreamed of the reaction and the effect on society at large. I need to go to the bike store and the supermarket today. I imagined walking into the bike store and being lifted on the shoulders of the patrons and workers. They would laud me as “extreme.” They would see me as a role model of living life out loud. Suddenly, the baggy pant kids would lift their chinos above their hips, hiding the boxers underneath. They would shake their heads at the silliness of following the old craze. Mothers and single men at the supermarkets would resist the urge to buy one more gift and run to the local piercing shop for their chance at this miracle cure, and delightful fashion.
The drawback would be a rapid decrease in the sale of hats. Some of that is ok, particularly eliminating flat brims and sideways baseball caps, but in general, it would cause financial hardship on haberdashers everywhere, and they already have the handicap of being called haberdashers. Then people would still be going outside, and not wearing hats, so skin cancer would go up. There would be a shortage of dermatologist to excise the cancers. They would get even more surly. There would be dermatologist rage crimes. There would be videos about “when dermatologist go bad.” I would get a headache from all the worry. Two brain piercing seems excessive. Maybe I will just drink more water.