RSS

hid and sought

22 Jan

“Have you found yourself yet?” I was asked by a friend. I was taken aback. I had forgotten I was supposed to be looking for me. I had remarked several months previous that I felt like I was faking my way through life. I couldn’t recognize the person living my life. Whats more, I didn’t like him. He was 2 dimensional. He smiled and said the right things, but was empty inside. He was a ‘man without a chest’ as CS Lewis described. (I think this is where the term butthead comes from) I don’t remember when I sold out to this guy. I don’t think it was all of a sudden. It was a slow fade. I went from the kid bubbling over with enthusiasm to an automaton. I played the roles I was assigned. I let myself be labeled and tried to live up to those labels. I went through the motions. I went to work, then came home. I sat in my usual chair. I watched my kids grow older. I watched life float in front of me. I was empty inside.
I missed me when I was gone. I missed dreaming, laughing and playing. I missed thinking in metaphors and climbing churches (long story). I wanted ‘me’ back. This other guy had to go. So, I plotted his death. It shouldn’t be hard, he is 2 dimensional, right? No one would really miss him, and I could re-step into my life. I thought about his habits and weaknesses. I plotted out his daily movements (very little) and his activities (even less). I mapped out a Wiley Coyote-esque plan. I figured that as he walked to work, I could paint a tunnel under the train. When he chased me, he would go headlong into the hill, rendering him defenseless. I would tie him up, drag him naked up the hill, and leave him for dead on the train tracks. I would also order some ACME dynamite to tie under him, just in case. It was the perfect plan.
The day came that I was ready to rejoin the living. I had beseeched God for help and He complied, telling me to simply trust. I didn’t hear that. What I heard was go do all this stuff and then I will love who you are. I announced my intentions to that guy, he did indeed chase me. He had no responsibilities, no goals, and no dreams: why would he want to willingly give that up? I ran headlong into the hill. oops. I came face to face with that guy. We understood each other. I understood that in order to kill that guy, I would have to engage in life abundantly. In order to do that, I had to address all the life sucking treasures I had accumulated in my life. I was bound up in insecurities, fears, resentments, and anger. I was tied up. As I listed everything that bound me up, and asked God to remove them from my repertoire, I felt naked. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt like there was a hole in my chest and if I turned the wrong way in the wind it would whistle. I was at a critical point. This process hurt. I could quit and go back to being that guy, divorced of a full life and a loving God. Or I could leave him for dead, eliminating him forever. I chose the ACME dynamite.
“Yes I found myself, I was hiding in the dark.” I replied. “I was playing hide and seek with God, but like the 3 year old hiding from Dad, He kept making noises so I would find Him.

Advertisements
 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 22, 2014 in faith, journey, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

One response to “hid and sought

  1. Barb

    January 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Awhhhh sweet…. like the last sentence

     

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
The Shameful Sheep

shit storms, shame, and stories that make you cringe

What Gives?

Big ideas in a tiny body

extraordinaryappreciator

Wandering in my wondering...

shellbegly91's Blog

A modern business theme

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce

Connecting Dots...to God

Theology in Context

K E R M I T ' S space

Life is JUST RIGHT

Beautiful Life with Cancer

Discovering the Gift

Globe Drifting

Global issues, travel, photography & fashion. Drifting across the globe; the world is my oyster, my oyster through a lens.

Handcuffs Hurt

Dan Madden

brokenchristianheart

This blog reflects the thoughts, feelings and confusion of a christian woman going through a divorce and the thoughts post-divorce.

Chronicles of Jazzmine Bankston

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."-C.S. Lewis

Storyshucker

A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

Lydia Robbins

Hold on, let me write this down

HASTYWORDS

Turning Tears & Laughter into Words

Unshakable Hope

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

%d bloggers like this: