hid and sought

22 Jan

“Have you found yourself yet?” I was asked by a friend. I was taken aback. I had forgotten I was supposed to be looking for me. I had remarked several months previous that I felt like I was faking my way through life. I couldn’t recognize the person living my life. Whats more, I didn’t like him. He was 2 dimensional. He smiled and said the right things, but was empty inside. He was a ‘man without a chest’ as CS Lewis described. (I think this is where the term butthead comes from) I don’t remember when I sold out to this guy. I don’t think it was all of a sudden. It was a slow fade. I went from the kid bubbling over with enthusiasm to an automaton. I played the roles I was assigned. I let myself be labeled and tried to live up to those labels. I went through the motions. I went to work, then came home. I sat in my usual chair. I watched my kids grow older. I watched life float in front of me. I was empty inside.
I missed me when I was gone. I missed dreaming, laughing and playing. I missed thinking in metaphors and climbing churches (long story). I wanted ‘me’ back. This other guy had to go. So, I plotted his death. It shouldn’t be hard, he is 2 dimensional, right? No one would really miss him, and I could re-step into my life. I thought about his habits and weaknesses. I plotted out his daily movements (very little) and his activities (even less). I mapped out a Wiley Coyote-esque plan. I figured that as he walked to work, I could paint a tunnel under the train. When he chased me, he would go headlong into the hill, rendering him defenseless. I would tie him up, drag him naked up the hill, and leave him for dead on the train tracks. I would also order some ACME dynamite to tie under him, just in case. It was the perfect plan.
The day came that I was ready to rejoin the living. I had beseeched God for help and He complied, telling me to simply trust. I didn’t hear that. What I heard was go do all this stuff and then I will love who you are. I announced my intentions to that guy, he did indeed chase me. He had no responsibilities, no goals, and no dreams: why would he want to willingly give that up? I ran headlong into the hill. oops. I came face to face with that guy. We understood each other. I understood that in order to kill that guy, I would have to engage in life abundantly. In order to do that, I had to address all the life sucking treasures I had accumulated in my life. I was bound up in insecurities, fears, resentments, and anger. I was tied up. As I listed everything that bound me up, and asked God to remove them from my repertoire, I felt naked. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt like there was a hole in my chest and if I turned the wrong way in the wind it would whistle. I was at a critical point. This process hurt. I could quit and go back to being that guy, divorced of a full life and a loving God. Or I could leave him for dead, eliminating him forever. I chose the ACME dynamite.
“Yes I found myself, I was hiding in the dark.” I replied. “I was playing hide and seek with God, but like the 3 year old hiding from Dad, He kept making noises so I would find Him.

1 Comment

Posted by on January 22, 2014 in faith, journey, Uncategorized


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One response to “hid and sought

  1. Barb

    January 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Awhhhh sweet…. like the last sentence


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