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who are you? who who?

27 Jan

I can’t go on fighting. I am the Chief Joseph of my life right now.

“I will fight no more forever.”

It feels noble and sad at the same time. There is so much to fight about. There is so many arenas demanding attention. The crowds roar, like in the Gladiator movie. It is enticing to stand up once again, bloody yet determined. But not me, not now.

I will fight no more forever.

I have been fighting for a long time. Fighting for a life. Fighting for the dignity to repair my heart and soul. Fighting for my kids. Fighting to not be squashed. Fighting for humility not humiliation.

I will fight no more forever.

As I rode my bike yesterday, I pondered how to quit fighting. What does that look like? Do I just lock the door and flip on the TV? Do I just develop a catch phrase that is appropriately trite and non committal at the same time? Do I get to wear a beret or a fedora? How do you quit fighting and just live?

I will fight no more.

I prayed for help (again). I begged for comfort and for relief. I cried thinking of some of the losses. I grieved at the loss of my career, job, business. Mostly, I thought of letting my daughters go. I thought of stopping fighting for a relationship with them. I thought of stopping fighting my exes parental alienation attempts and successes. I prayed for help yet again.

I will fight no more.

I thought about how I couldn’t really do it. I can’t really let go of my love for my daughters. I can’t really be scraping and servile. I cant just accept being squashed by blind hate and intentional evil. I cant seem to just let myself stop trying. I prayed for help taking the next right step. I prayed for help to stop thinking about the arduous journey, but rather the direction and attitude of my next step.

I will fight.

I will not lose myself again. I will not escape from life. I will move as I am called and as I can. I will continue to try.

I will fight.

I will fight for me. Allowing me to just be.

Now—anyone got a job I can have?

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1 Comment

Posted by on January 27, 2014 in journey, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

One response to “who are you? who who?

  1. J. Michael McDade

    January 27, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Love you brother! I understand your battle and you are in my thoughts constantly. I hope you never quit fighting for you. I love the guy you fight for.

     

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