I searched for a mentor for a long time. I thought I had to. I relied on my faulty impressions and thoughts for a long time. I took bits and pieces from men I admired and made an amalgam. It seemed to work for quite awhile. The best thing is when you stick all those bits together, like bits of soap left in the shower, you can easily discard portions as needed or outgrown. The hook was that when I tried to imagine what my mentor creation would do in a situation, it was difficult. I navigated through life that way for a long time. I went to college, medical school, got married, had kids, and started a career all with Frankenstein’s monster as my chosen mentor. I lurched through life thinking I was doing a good job living.
I found myself in search again after I realized I was not God. It sounds silly, but for me a difficult task. I had to admit to my innermost self that the only difference between God and myself is that God doesn’t spend all day pretending he is me. When humility started to devolve into humiliation, I searched again. I thought I found a mentor. He was my pastor and friend. We talked a lot. We joked. We mused. We shared ideas and learned from each other. It was a challenging and yet accepting relationship. We shared deep heart issues.
The mistake I made was seeing him as an expression of God, rather than reflection. I felt like he demonstrated the unconditional love Jesus speaks about. His mistake was seeing me as a task, as a project. When my life blew up, I asked to talk with him. He and his wife had met with me ex-wife and she diagnosed me with behavioral complexes. She spoke of the danger of being near me or having the kids near me. He said nothing in my defense. I asked to meet with him to talk face to face. He was removed and cold. I asked him why and his answer was that he was angry. I asked what right he had to be angry with me and there was no answer.
I have left that church and not talked with him since. I lost a pastor, a religion, a mentor, and a friend. My faith is intact and I believe in God. I adopted Ghandhi’s quote, “I like this Christ, its His followers I can do without.” It is my fault, I confused mentor with example. I confused relationship with hierarchy.
The other day, I realized that I am guilty of the same thing, conditional love. I am holding on to the anger and disappointment. Frankenstein’s monster says I need to name my error, claim it, and let it go. He grunts that I need to forgive him and me. Working on it!