worry bites

Worry. Anxiety. Nervous. Scared.

This week I will begin a new career. I have been trying very hard to get a foothold and jumpstart since the divorce. As I mentioned before, I had to wrestle with losing all I knew. I left the house we had lived in for more than 10 years, I divorced, lost my business and career. I was estranged and severely alienated from my kids. Many friends and some family shut me out of their hearts. I moved towns. I applied for more than 500 jobs. I got a PhD in Christian Counseling and a Master’s in theology. I earned my class B CDL. I volunteered as a counselor for awhile. Then I decided to apply for a license to be a substitute teacher.

Suddenly, traction. I got an interview and a job before the license came through. I am on my way to a new life, a new career. Wow!

excited, renewed, refreshed, delighted.

I am all over the board here. I have gotten used to this bizarre existence I have. I enjoy driving the school bus. I am content in my home. I have a great AA group, and wonderful friends. My younger brother is here and is my best friend, really. Things are getting a little better with my youngest daughter. I have great friends where I am headed as well. I have family there. I grew up there so I have connections. I am totally estranged from my oldest daughter. My ex-wife is NOT there. I have a chance at a do-over there.

“Walk on right side of road, ok, Walk on left side, ok. Walk in middle–squash, like grape.”

I woke up this morning worrying about it. I couldn’t figure out how to feel. Another definition of worry is when a dog grabs another by the throat. It will hold the other dog down until it submits. I imagine snarling and drooling. I also imagine the dog’s shackles raised and the tail waging with the delight of a bully.

The dog of life worried me. It held me down. I smelled the hot fetid breath. I felt the warm drool. The snarling echoed in my ears. I panicked. I struggled against it. I wrestled and whimpered.

I submitted this morning. I thanked God. I told God I will go where he sends me. I focused on the good things that are happening and the wonderful relationships that have developed in my life. I delighted. The drool stopped running, the snarl silenced, the teeth released me.

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