I have been starting a new life the last few weeks. It was a very rapid delivery. My life didn’t really know it was pregnant. It has been barren for almost 2 years. It had become accustomed to the forced sterility. It had a choice…continue to whither or start to transform. Seems like an easy choice, but whithering was attractive because of its comfort and security. Transformation takes energy, an allusive and expensive commodity.
Out of necessity, or design, the path became a day by day adventure. IT wasn’t about suddenly being an infant and running into adulthood. It was about slowly maturing. It was about letting the maturation slowly happen. I applied for jobs, took classes, prayed. I continued to get up every morning. I tried and tried. I grieved my lost life. I alternatively, held on tight and let go. The dying life struggled to stay alive. It screamed.
As it died, a new life is brewing. I was unaware of the new life growing. I pleaded for it, I clamored for it. I felt betrayed and forgotten. I kept trying. I accepted the death of my former life. I grieved and tried to let it go. As it became less and less important to my identity, things began to happen. I chose a new life in a different state. The cervix of my womb opened slightly. I applied for a license and a job. Both happened very rapidly. The cervix opened without contractions. I traveled to start the new job. I was born into this life suddenly. I stared at the light bewildered by its brightness. I fought for breath. I fought for a heart beat. I was cold and lost.
As in life, the new life demanded me to rapidly grow up. I needed to walk. I needed to learn to talk. I needed to learn to run. People demanded I grow up. People demanded I know. I was tempted to fake it. I was tempted to grow up too fast.
I let myself stumble. I let myself not know. I let myself learn. I had fun.
I don’t know if I will like my new career. I have no idea what I am doing. However, I really like ME in this new life. Patient and kind. I like ME growing and learning. What an adventure!