chance and step

Its my last chance. I knew it going in today. I understood the ramifications. Almost two years ago, I imploded. There isn’t any other way to describe what happened. I made a mistake that spread to a wildfire and burned up everything I knew. The Hayman fire in Arizona was caused by a jilted woman burning a love letter. It was the biggest and costliest fire in Arizona to date. My fire burned one life, and injured those around me. Small in comparison, but I don’t like to compare. Since that ignition, I have applied for 500 jobs, seven state licenses, got two advanced degrees online, tried to change my career path 4 times, and told my story countless times. I have cleaned golf carts and driven a school bus. I have clamored. I have struggled. I have embraced being me in all times, good or bad. I have succeeded in living rather than just existing.

Today was the board interview in Idaho. It is my last chance, it seems. I’ve tried everything else to try and continue my career utilizing my fancy abbreviations after my name. There were four of us there. Dr. Green was from a small town. He laughed nervously and chattered incessantly. He looked like the kid that is in line to go on his first roller coaster. I kept expecting him to run away. He was first to be called and walk down the long hallway. We were all sitting around the lobby of the Holiday Inn Express, staring at each other and trying not to judge, yet failing at both. I personally was like a jack in the box. Every time someone else got called down the hall, I would stroll around and look out the windows. The second sucker was from Oregon. He was a tad bit pompous and knew everything. He was cynical and seemed angry at, well I don’t know what. I had an instant dislike and distrust of him. If you are sitting in a group of reprobates waiting to be interviewed, it seems wise to me not to be pompous, He went second. He strutted down the hall. He was in the room for about 6 minutes. He shrugged off my question about how it went an sauntered out. I don’t think I knew what sauntering was until this moment. He did do it very well. The third was a portly fellow from Texas. He was a pleasant sort, but I had the feeling there was a lot of hurt behind his eyes. I liked him almost as fast as I disliked the other guy. He was in the room 20 minutes or so. He didn’t stop by before rushing out. I hope it works out for him.

She strolled in the room and called my name. I needed to pee, despite having gone three times in the last hour. I couldn’t be that hydrated, my mouth was chalk. I walked down the long hall and into the room. I was introduced to one person who would conduct the interview. He waved at a room of 20 people explaining they would ask me questions afterward. I answered the questions honestly, despite the pain. I got choked up and admitted my weaknesses. I explained what I did and what I have done since then. I was thanked 4 times for being so honest and straight-forward. I was excused after about 10-15 minutes with a handshake and a “don’t call us, we will call you”.

It was my last chance. I almost didn’t do it. I almost ran away like a scared rabbit. I sat there and was honest, brutally honest. I was not full of myself nor scraping and servile. I didn’t hide behind my well known defenses. I lived into my new life path for the first time. (well, not the first time, but the first trial of severe stress, like this) It was my last chance and my first brave step.

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