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unicorns and selfishness

06 Jun

My ex-wife gets married tomorrow. From what I am told, I should be more upset. It hasn’t quite been a year since our divorce. She made sure that everything was opposite from our wedding. Her engagement ring is a big gaudy thing. The wedding is outside, with a full bar at the reception. It is in June instead of January. They are wearing cowboy boots with their finery. Its pretty idyllic, I understand. The quote from the old neighbors and my daughter is that, “It will be a perfect start to the perfect marriage.”

I am a little concerned about it. Not really about her being remarried, but rather because of my kids. I miss them tremendously. My heart breaks when I think of someone else getting to be at home with them, getting to hear their stories, comfort the pains, rejoice the victories. They really have pushed me aside and that hurts more than anything my ex could do. She knows it and so encouraged the pushing.

I am a bit conflicted. One part of me really, sincerely, hopes the fantasy is real for her. There is a part of me that cares very deeply for her. I would enjoy seeing her be happy. The other part of me wants to kick the first part of me’s ass. The injustice and the bad-mouthing and the evil that has come forth is tremendous. The third part thought it would go back and be miserable so I could be with the girls. That part is lost in a fantasy as well. It would never happen and I would never do it. I have struggled this year. It hurt and left scars. However, I have changed. I will not accept being the walking dead. There are more parts but they are shades of the first three.

I have family and friends that are going to the wedding. I am so proud of my dad. Despite all this, my family has taken the high road. they have told me that they will have a relationship with my ex and that I had better understand that. Her family blocked my email and phone (…and they will know we are Christians by our love…).

Maybe that is why things have been so tough, so that I could be settled with the need to move through this. Maybe that’s why stuff had to be so difficult with my daughters, to distract me from the wedding. Maybe if I wish real hard, a unicorn will ride a rainbow out my butt.

I do wish her fiancé luck, but I miss my girls. I want to be Dad again. I want Father’s day back. I want to hear, and cry, and laugh, and forgive, and nurture, and be, with my girls again. My concern over the wedding is simply that it is another barrier to me being in their lives. I am not proud of my selfishness, but I cant seem to shake it. I am not a great father, or haven’t been. I am a good father, however. My best thing was borrowed from my mom. I would sing them “You are my sunshine” while scratching their back as they went to sleep. It was necessary to change the words to “The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I had a dream I ate a big marshmellow. When I awoke dear, my pillow was gone dear…” They were 10 before they stopped giggling at that.

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Posted by on June 6, 2014 in divorce, life

 

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