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restless? write it down

21 Jun

Fear of rejection. Self esteem. Dang it…here it is again.
I was in a bad place today. I was reacting to everything with emotion. Everything was being done to me. I was restless, irritable, and discontent. I didn’t even see it. I reassured my daughter that going to an amusement park with her dad, despite how much I don’t like rides, would be fun. She was hesitant but I thought it would be good bonding time and maybe other people would come along, follow up on arrangements made. I knew they wouldn’t, but still pushed going. We went. They didn’t. She was bored. I tried to ride a few rides, but my stomach turned. I did ok, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do the spinning rides. Despite all the let-downs, I expected her to have fun. She didn’t and I was bummed out.
Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough.

I told the real estate agent I thought the electric box was illegal based on what the groundskeeper said. He refuted my statement. I held it together but was upset he didn’t take my uniformed word for it.
Fear of being incompetent or seen as stupid.

I faltered and avoided being direct on an invite to a party. I was feeling irritable, restless, and discontent and was going to a meeting. I didn’t think I wanted to be around people. She had to get blunt and tell me that I wasn’t coming. Finally, I answered that unless I felt much better after the meeting, I wasn’t. I couldn’t just say it.
Fear of rejection. Fear of not being liked.

Its all the same stuff. This has all showed up on my list before. I implored God and asked Him what it hasn’t gone away yet. I have done the work…oh wait! I have not been doing the work. I have been resting on my laurels.

I searched and searched the moral inventory. I felt the fear and drug it out in the light. The false events no longer appear real. Wahoo

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Posted by on June 21, 2014 in faith, journey, Uncategorized

 

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