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ready?

27 Jun

Are you ready?

What a silly question that is. How would you ever be expected to answer that in any situation? I have asked that question thousands of times and am realizing that it is as arbitrary as, “How are you?” When I ask it, it is before doing something that someone has never done before or is fearing anyway. So, they would either not know or now have an added anticipation. Truth be known, I wasn’t really expecting a response, just like when I have asked, “How are you?” most of the time. (In all fairness, that was in the past. I actually ask it now wanting to know.)

It is also a wonderful question. It allows someone to check their emotions and state of being. It allows a moment of steeling oneself against the unknown or the feared. It is a verbal pause in the action. IT unites and says, “I am here with you as you go through this.”

“Are you ready for a miracle” played on my old battered CD player when my first child was born. “Its a wonderful life” played for the second.

I had a friend ask me that question, recently. We had been talking about the abrupt marriage of my ex wife. They were engaged 3 months after we divorced and married less than a year after. She is an angry, bitter woman right now. She is incredibly mean to me, but worst of all, uses the kids as weapons. She has orchestrated estrangement of one, and alienation from the other. IT has been brutal and disgusting. The friend commented that perhaps she uses the anger and hostility as a cover for love. They explained that in order to be ‘right’, she has to push me away and prove I am a jerk or her marriage was a mistake and all the evil things she has done are wrong. It would explain the letter to family and friends, the report to the medical board, stealing my computer, alienation from the kids, recruiting family and friends to hate me and reject me, lying to my family to gain favor…etc. I just don’t buy it. Its been 2 years since I left, 1 year since the divorce.

The friend pushed on. They asked if I was ready to move on. I said I was. They pushed even harder (did I say friend? 🙂 ) and asked if my anger was hiding something. They pointed out that I tend to be a recluse. They pointed out that I get very upset about the actions she takes with my daughters. They pointed out that I have gone from never talking bad about her to often calling her “nutty.”

I have been pondering that. The truth is that I still love her. I don’t want to be with her and I am not in love with her. I just remember that there is some good stuff about her. I try and hold onto it, but she keeps trying to pry the good memories from my hand. I wont let go. I have had dreams where we go back to before all the garbage and stay married etc. I was miserable and would be miserable since she didn’t want to do counseling with me. My only thought is then I could be with my girls. I could be ‘daddy’. I have even dreamt of her trying to reverse all the stuff she has done. That really wouldn’t work and I still wouldn’t want to be with her.

I have been pondering the question. I am totally ready to move on from her. I really have moved on from her and I am ready to be in love and in life. I cant be totally positive of that answer as I haven’t done it before, but I feel ready and excited about it. I am not ready to move on from my kids. They have rejected me as dad and I don’t really get to see them often. They refuse to call me dad, hug me, or tell me that they love me. I can forgive that as I know they are hurt and reeling. But I cant let go of them. I won’t. And since it is so important to me, that is what she uses to hurt me. I get it. I don’t like it. But if the cost of holding onto my kids as best as I can is getting hit by the broom like the three blind mice, I will.

Is that crazy of me? I know the whole if you love something, set it free…nonsense. I know you can hold too tight. I know it anchors me to the past and holds me back in moving on. It is an albatross. But can I really just walk away? OK, your turn, how do you navigate these shark infested waters?

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1 Comment

Posted by on June 27, 2014 in divorce, life

 

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One response to “ready?

  1. Cindy Bradshaw

    May 15, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Wow… First I would like to say thank you… for showing me that there really are insightful, caring, invested men out there. Though I have always wondered, why does it seem that they end up with the shallow, materialistic, hateful women??? I assume the same reason the caring, giving, independent, healthy, passionate women generally choose the emotionally closed down, self centered, dispassionate men… Sorry, I didn’t mean to get side-tracked, just one of those things I have always pondered like; why does your car stop making that sound once you pull into the mechanic’s garage???

    To answer your question… you can never hold on too tight to your children… that old adage about if you love something let it go… I don’t believe is meant to apply to our babies. With that said, it does sound like YOU have done everything YOU can do and now you just have to trust that the girls are seeing/hearing what YOU are doing. Unfortunately, they are hearing your ex-wife as well.. You can’t control or change that, all you can do is add some positive ingredients to the negative stew she is stirring. I know you wrote this almost a year ago so I am praying that things have changed for you, but if not then I hope that you have continued doing what you can do… We can’t control, or count on the outcome but we can still do our part… that is all we are called to do.

    I stumbled across your blog/s and have read a couple now… I can definitely relate to being “spewed” on by a daughter… I have one that can be extremely venomous when she wants. It makes it very hard to like her… I love her, she is my child (even though she is now grown with children of her own) but liking her, respecting her is a whole different deal. I pray for her A LOT! And do my very best to not engage, or take her attacks personally… again, easier said than done. I have always said I would raise boys over girls any day!!

    However, now I find myself divorced for a second time… (and no I wasn’t ready, and never would have been, I made a vow between myself, my husband, and my Lord and was willing to do whatever it took… and fully believe with God at the center of a marriage miracles are absolutely possible, I just forget to make sure we were “equally yoked”…) and I have a 15 yr old son who is the absolute light of both his father’s and my life. Thankfully neither of us would ever use him as a weapon, but that does not mean that he will not be affected by the divorce. I worry for him. He seems to be taking after his father in how he expresses his feelings… HE DOESN’T I have always been open and honest with him and encouraged him to talk about any and everything, and he does talk to me about some of the important things… “the birds & the bees” and girls etc… but he is refusing to talk about how he feels about the divorce.

    My ex and I are very civil and have always been good friends and remain friends. There has never been any yelling or fighting, though there was an affair… but even that was handled “dispassionately” (part of the problem…) So my son says that “he is fine, his life hasn’t changed, he is totally ok” I actually purchased a beautiful 26ft trailer with slide-out (which was part of my future retirement plan anyway) that is parked in the driveway that I live in, so that he would not have to “choose” or be shuffled between households… so maybe he is ok??? My oldest son, who is growing into a wonderfully wise man (finally, after working through all of his garbage he didn’t deal with in his adolescence/young adulthood) told me not to push, to just be available to listen if/when he is ready to talk. The way I see it, that is really my only option. Since, unfortunately I learned quite a while ago that I cannot control what others do or don’t do… Love to hear your thoughts from a male perspective, and hear how things are going with your girls now.

    Wow… that was one heck of a “comment” wasn’t it! Please allow me to apologize for steeling your Blog to basically write my own… I just felt such a connection when I read some of your posts and felt like I needed to reach out. In the process I think I have also realized how cathartic this can be… I recently spent some time with the Lord on the beach in California where he gifted me with this writing thing… (or not) and I wrote a “little ditty” that was a very healing experience, and so far has been enjoyed by a few of my close friends… I have been feeling led to do more writing… just wasn’t sure what/when/where/how… perhaps I have found the outlet… stay tuned… but fear NOT I will get my own blog!

     

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