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riding roller coasters with God

03 Jul

“Let go, let God.”

“God will provide.”

“God will do for you what you cannot do for yourself.”

“God will not give you more (temptation) than you can handle.”

“It’s a dog eat dog world.”

“Try, try again.”

“Take care of number one.”

I have the strongest grip strength in the world. I have spent 4 decades holding on to whatever my dream was at the moment with the tenacity of a pitbull or Gila monster. I thought that was the measure of a man. Did he persevere? Did he succeed? Did he get what he wanted? In my magnificent magnifying mind, I deserved the best. I had a champagne appetite and a beer budget. When I felt like I had failed, and when I felt I had succeeded, I celebrated. I was fighting my way to the top of the ladder. Isnt that what a man was supposed to do?

Its a long fall when you stand on the shoulders of giants. The ladder was tenuous. It wasn’t made of real material. It was a figment. It demanded energy to keep the illusion alive. It demanded to be believed. I came to question the ladder. I was undergoing a complete psychic change, and looked at my feet on the semi transparent ladder rung. I stared at my hands grabbing on to an American dream that I didn’t believe in. I searched for meaning in my existence. I wanted to share the journey with my loved one, but I couldn’t explain it and she couldn’t understand it. The ladder vanished. I fell. Like the giant in Jack in the Beanstalk, I fell. Like the imagination of the guy in Vertigo, I fell. Like Lucifer from Grace, I fell. Unlike Silly Putty, I didn’t bounce.

In some of the movies, the hero grabs a branch as they fall through trees. In the Simpson movie, Bart hooks a branch with a slingshot. James Bond had “Q” to provide a gadget for just such an occasion. I just fell. I tried to grab branches, but ricocheted off of them like a pinball. I tried the slingshot, hoping to regain my former false glory, it was a cartoon and not real. My “Q” had left the job after 20 years of mediocre effort.

When I hit, and didn’t bounce, I had a some time to consider myself and my affairs. I had nothing left and nothing to do, so it seemed like a good time to take an inventory. A friend of mine has said, “I wish you pain and desperation and no better plan.” Well, his wish came true. I would like to pretend that I decided right there and then to let go of my death grip. I would like to tell you that I now wear a robe and sandles and speak the truth on street corners. I cant tell you that. I decided that I would need to rebuild. I put on a happy face and got to work. I tried everything. I applied for a multitude of jobs. I spent money I didn’t have. I clawed my way into any situation that furthered my cause. I tried and tried again. It is what a man does, right?

In truth, things got a little better. I was more accepting of where I was and when things didn’t go in my favor. I let go of some control because I saw that I didn’t have any. I got better at the serenity prayer and the acceptance of things as they were. I hit a crossroads. I had a choice. Accept a surrender and let God rebuild my house, or try and win and do it myself. I surrendered. I cried and cried again. I spoke to God and said that He could have me. I relinquished my illusion of control. Within 2 weeks, I had a new potential career, a new job, and was getting ready to move to a new state. A few weeks later, I had an opportunity to get my medical license in Idaho and the job I had applied for 18 months prior was still available. It has been like riding a roller coaster without a track. I am terrified and try to grab hold on the safety straps over and over again. I close my eyes, I grit my teeth. I forget to laugh and to enjoy the ride. I forget to look around at the top of the hills and take in the view. I forget to look around at the bottom of the bumps and marvel at where I have been and where I am going.

“God, grant me the eyes to see.”

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Posted by on July 3, 2014 in divorce, faith, journey

 

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