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over it?

17 Jul

I thought I was over it.

I really did. I felt over it. I vocalized the right things. I said I was better off. I knew I couldn’t go back.

I thought I was over it.

I have been reading “Parents are Forever.” I was reading to help improve communication with my ex-wife. In the back of my mind, I really wanted her to just realize how bad the parental alienation is and to stop it. IT backfired a little. I saw some of the stuff I have been doing to stunt my own healing. I have reached out with memories of good times. I have picked fights. I have threatened lawsuits, subtly. I have felt rejected and humiliated. I reacted by fighting back ad retaliating instead of understanding and responding.

The book talks about the stages of grief. I have gotten stuck in bargaining and then depression. I was angry for awhile, but it honestly didn’t make me feel good. My ex is stuck in anger. (oops, that’s mindreading…it appears she is stuck in anger). However, the holding on to memories. The seething at her anger. The reaction instead of responding. Letting her control my emotions and set the tone with my relationship with the girls has held me down from healing.

I am not over it. I ache for my children. I really want to be with them and to be “Dad” again. I have done everything I could. It is time for me to reach acceptance in that relationship as well. They have made a choice I cant change. All I can be is who I am. All I can do is love them the best I can. Maybe, someday, they will come back. If not, I am still me. and I still have to live.

I am not over it. I need to let go of my ex. I need to know that her anger is hers to deal with. I need to lead a separate life in the healthiest way I can. I need to claim my mistakes, name my defects of character, and move on. Yes, it is scary. Yes, I need to do it alone. Yes, God will guide me.

I am not over it…but I will be

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2 Comments

Posted by on July 17, 2014 in divorce

 

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2 responses to “over it?

  1. Susan Irene Fox

    July 17, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    This must be so difficult; How could you ever get over it? Over the anger, maybe. Over the loss, no. All you really can do is pray for them, and trust one day their hearts will be open.

     
    • iamnamed

      July 17, 2014 at 8:22 pm

      thank you—yep I keep on praying.

       

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