And the icon spins in my brain.
Ever feel like your brain and heart and soul are asked to spin like the waiting icon? Like there is just something loading up in the database of that part of your psyche? I have become conditioned to that icon and feel like time moves double quick. Every second stretches out into 2, it feels like hours when seconds have passed. I see the icon and I immediately become frustrated and impatient. My brain goes into thinking it is a race car at a starting line with a sluggish green light. I struggle to not worry about the future and dwell on the mistakes of the past. My brain creates stories and lies. My brain fantasizes about a better and worse past. It creates a slew of outcomes, both glorious and tragic. It creates stories that contradict. In the seconds that it spins, I am confused, lost, almost desperate for reality. My brain stumbles to regain balance.
And the icon spins in my heart.
My heart leaps at the feeling of intimacy and love. It craves to be recognized. It longs to be met with another heart. My heart wants to be held, and danced with, and loved. Not even the romantic love, but the love that endures. The love that disagrees and compromises. The love that can grow and learn, change and adapt. When I feel empty or lost, my heart longs even more. I seem unable to feel that from myself and God. It struggles to recognize self worth. It takes the small, insignificant events and exaggerates them. My heart takes the spinning icon to feel bad about its inability to fly free.
And the icon spins in my soul.
MY soul longs to be a child of God. I remind myself of platitudes through the day. I pray and meditate. I speak of the power and love of God. There have been times, I felt as though my soul strolled with God in the garden of my mind and heart. I could feel the nurturing and love. I have felt blessed, cared for, and in contact. There are also times that I cannot see or feel God at work. I search for Him, and end up doubting He exists. My soul aches to feel it again. It pauses. In the time it takes for the icon to spin, the clouds move in and it darkens.
And the icon stops.
I begin the process of restructuring my brain, heart, and soul. I have followed the steps illuminated from the darkness. I have talked to counselors, moved states, began a new career, made tough choices to love despite the pain. I have faced my insecurities and condemning self talk. I have stood back up and declared that I am in the minute, a child of Love, and a child of God. I have taken the next step in faith, stepping from the darkness into the darkness, knowing it would be light soon.
The icon will return, but I get better and better at understanding it is not evil, but inevitable. The icon is the time that life takes, and I can live in those moments as well. Waiting is not waste, but life. In those moments, I can stop the voices. I have begun to know that I am present, loved, and that I fly.