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22 Nov

Ever have one of those days that things just seem off somehow? I am having one of those days. I cant really figure out what it is, so I am unsure how to fix it. I am just letting myself be off center. I went to a charity function last night. It was an auction and another silent auction. I love these kind of things. I went stag and milled around for a long time. I watched people and looked at the items. I was offered 2 tickets to this and I thought about trying to find a date or someone to go with. However, I finally decided that I would rather not have to be in an unfamiliar place in an unfamiliar town with an unfamiliar person. It seemed wise. I figured I would just find people to chat with anyway. I didn’t think about most of the people would be there with someone else. There were a few of us singles there. We nodded to each other in a secret gang style way. I passed by and lifted my eyebrows subtly. She flashed a knowing smile. I almost tripped on her walker. She farted as she passed as 90 year olds sometimes do. I figured I would hang with the younger singles. we laughed and giggled over the tree decorated like frozen and the Superhero one. We delighted in the tree that had three trains circling it. She also smelt of fart, until her mom changed her.

The mistake I made was drinking coffee there. I was tired, but just couldn’t sleep well. I got up at my usual time and went to a Sat am meeting. It was a good one. It is raining here and a little cold. I went to the weekly car auction and then came home. I watched the end of a romantic comedy. I put on my jammies and did some housekeeping. Still, I felt off. I just wasn’t all here. I organized my CDs and some books. I wrote a letter to my estranged daughters and cried. I figured out what was wrong. I miss my girls. I am so mad at myself for making the mistake that led to the divorce. I am so mad at their mother who kept irritating the wound until it festered and injured and scarred. I am mad at them for rejecting me so dramatically. But all that anger is just a protective coating for the hurt I feel.

I am not sure how to link the farting ladies of the night and missing my daughters, but they are both rattling around in my head. I don’t know, maybe both smell like poop.

Think I will go to another meeting. You know what? It has been a real mellow and good day. I got to sleep in, move some of the poop tainted air out of my life, tend to some tasks, and hang out with myself and process my emotions. I am warm, I am safe, I am loved.

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Posted by on November 22, 2014 in journey, life

 

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