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C, B, and P

01 Jan

I thought about drinking today. IT has been a long time since that happened. It was insidious.

I have been lost in the past recently. I have been thinking about who I was. I have made some tragic mistakes and some dramatic changes. The past holds me sometimes. I recall moments of time that I was comfortable and safe. I think about things I could have done differently to hold on to those moments. I lie to myself and tell myself that fleeting moments can be permanent. I imagine I can change the past by wishing, dreaming, or re-battling old arguments. I got lost in the past. I questioned my decision to leave Colorado. I questioned leaving New Mexico and feeling love blossom. I longed for that feeling.

I was worried about the future. How will I do in the new job, in the new state? How will I make it alone and isolated from friends, family, and loves? I am uncertain about decision I need to make. I am unsure of who I am and how I will be. I was scared.

“If you have one foot in the future and one in the past, you are pissing on today.” AA wisdom.

AS my mind stretched, I lost track of the present. I forgot to live in the moment. I forgot to delight in the ordinary. I forgot to make decision based on the now, the present, the me, the moment. As soon as I did, I left the gate open. Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful snuck over the fence. They surrounded me, laughing and taunting. Shame pulled the strings and the puppets fed my soul to their master. As He chewed, I thought of drinking. I was unaware of the threat. As I felt the pain and the misery, I woke. My soul screamed and I woke up. I paused and went to be around other people sharing their story. I woke up to the present. I asked God to show up and He always does.

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Posted by on January 1, 2015 in journey

 

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