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scourge

06 Apr

“How do I get over her?”

“You just do. You allow yourself to feel the feelings. You recognize the good things and the less good things. You look at what you have learned and how you have grown. You don’t ignore it or rush it. You live through it and into it. You may never really be fully over her, but you will always be able to let go of the pain, someday.”

“Part of me doesn’t want to let go of the pain, its all I have left of her. We don’t talk, I don’t see her, and she has moved on.”

“Another emotion you will have to live through.”

“I really screwed it up. I let go of her. I was afraid and needed to prove myself unworthy, I guess. I have fed into the idea that if I reject myself or if I run away, then I wont be as hurt. It was self-sabotage and now I just ache to hear her voice, see her face, watch her blow kisses at the moon and birds.”

“Sounds like you did mess it up, now ask yourself, “Why?””

“I was afraid. It wasn’t perfect and I was scared. I was moving away and knew I’d be isolated and lonely. I thought I wasn’t good enough to want to move with, so I pushed away so I didn’t have to feel the pain of her saying she didn’t want to be with me. I knew she needed to stay and I knew I needed to go.”

“Sounds like it was a choice. There isn’t a right or wrong, just different kinds of pain.”

“I don’t know how to live into this. I am an escape artist. I hid behind beer for 20 years, and calmed my rejection feelings with flirting and pseudo-connections with women. How do people do this?”

“You just do. You allow yourself to feel the feelings. You recognize the good things and the less good things. You look at what you have learned and how you have grown. You don’t ignore it or rush it. You live through it and into it..”

“I heard that somewhere before.”

Transistion and growth is always difficult. I am in a Saturday experience and I feel very lost and alone. I have often spoke of how I think all events in our lives are akin to the Easter weekend. We are going along in our life, either trusting God or pleasing God. If we trust God, we are living that out in our daily life, leaning when things are good or bad. Exploring and growing in relationship. If we are pleasing God, we are faking it. We are doing the right things, saying the right things, looking good, but there is no depth to the relationship. Then our metaphorical Friday hits. It is a life changing event: it can be good or bad, big or small. It is just something that changes us. We have to die to who we were. It is the child birth, the divorce, the job change, the move, the lottery winner, the missed flight. After Friday, we are place in a tomb. That tomb is the time of change. It is the process of leaving who you were and becoming who you will be. I like the image of Jesus sitting in the tomb, considering his wounds, lamenting and forgiving Judas, smiling at Peter, sore and healing. If we have been pleasing God, we end up asking, “Why me?” We delay our own healing. We cant see God with us, even in the darkness. If we trust God, we aren’t alone in the tomb. We can heal and grow. It is only through trusting we get to be resurrected as something new, rather than resuscitated back into our misery.

I didn’t trust God. I wanted to. I even thought I was. I was self seeking. I was willing to give up on myself and my journey to not have to go to the tomb. I was afraid of the cross. I was afraid of the scourging, so I ran. I hid. I gave up on something wonderful, on someone wonderful, in order to not be hurt. It took me quite awhile to get to where I saw I didn’t trust God. I have know been scourged with the chains or despair and loneliness. I have been nailed with the reality of my situation. I have been hung to die. I was carried to the tomb and buried. I am in a Saturday. Sundays coming!

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1 Comment

Posted by on April 6, 2015 in divorce, faith, journey, life

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One response to “scourge

  1. lory howlett

    April 6, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Me too.

     

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