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is this my life?

25 Apr

“You will need to fully buy into this for it to work.”

I was being asked to say good bye to my daughter. I was assured it was, “for now,” and hopefully not forever. Right after she said it, the mediator said, “But I would prepare yourself in case she never reconciles with you.”

My heart wept, my soul screamed. It was silent and deafening at the same time.

The parental alienation, whether deliberate or unconscious, was so dramatic and successful. It had worked. Sure, my daughters were angry with me. They deserved to be. I had made mistakes that would forever change their lives. I had hurt them. I have had dreams about the moment that the flash created the forest fire through my façade. I can see it. In my dream, I ignore the sick feeling all over again. It feels like watching a horror movie when you know the axe wielding maniac is in the next room and the buxom blonde it headed to the swinging door. I want to stop myself. I repeat the same mistake over and over. It feels like missing the free throw, the pop fly, the train headed to Clarksville.

I wrote that almost two years ago. My daughter has not spoken to me since, other than to call me names. The news I got recently, is she is no longer made, she just doesn’t care at all. My other daughter has followed her lead and I have spoken to her in 4 months. At one point my older daughter told me, “I will ruin you.” I had no job, was living in the basement of my brothers house, all my friends had left, and she was cussing me out just about daily. I didn’t think it could get worse. It did. She did.

Since then I have changed careers three times, houses 7 times, and 3 different states. I have loved again, and I think it was a deeper love than I have ever felt. I have persevered. I have been steadfast.

I was listening to the Talking Heads the other day. The song that talks about “this is not my beautiful life…” came on. I have had this unshakeable feeling that I am living the wrong life. Don’t get me wrong, the life I was leading was not the right life either. I had to fake it to be there and when I tried to be real, I was rejected. I have made bad choices and pursued things that, in hindsight, are not near as important to me as I thought. I have moved away. I am in a strange land. The rules are very different in this town than anywhere I have ever been. The weather feels different. The house I live in still feels like someone elses. I keep waiting for something to feel normal and solid. I am trying to hold on to clouds. The state of Idaho has so many restrictions on me, my time isn’t my own. My meetings feel different and strange. The priorities are different. My best friend in NM no longer communicates with me. I don’t know anyone. I don’t feel accepted or comfortable with anyone but myself.

I yelled at God today. I asked that my kids and my friend are protected and safe. I want them to have the best for them, with or without me. And then I ask for me to be able to believe the prayer. I yelled that I don’t need to know why, but could I please know when? When will the pain stop, when will the ruin be rebuilt, when can I see my friend, when will this feel like my life?

my soul weeps, my heart screams. Silence.

then an inaudible whisper. Not really a sound, but more of a glow.

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1 Comment

Posted by on April 25, 2015 in children, divorce, faith, Uncategorized

 

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One response to “is this my life?

  1. Kelly

    April 26, 2015 at 8:55 am

    If I could grab your hand right now and hold on tight, I would do it. Just know there are A LOT of people pulling for you my friend. Just take it day by day….and keep trying to heal. One day, you will.

     

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