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forgive the cactus

13 May

“What time is it?”

“Now”

“Where are you?”

“Here.”

“Who are you?”

“This moment.”

Those were lines from the movie “Peaceful Warrior”.  I really loved that movie. It has a message of accepting yourself and living each moment fully and aware.

I have poor self esteem.thAA2DX6AT Hiding my insecurities has been the bane of my existence. I have tried all kinds of absurd things to appear confident and stable. It is as useless as painting a turd.

I tried to fake it, but the color of the turd started to wear through. I tried to ignore it in relationships, but the smell permeated and she ran. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but I stepped in it and made it worse.

I have been on a journey of deep introspection and self improvement. I have persevered when others have failed. I have been humbled. I have been faithful. I have been honest when I was told to lie. I have changed when others said to stay the same. I have learned to respect myself, like myself, trust myself. I just hadn’t learned to forgive myself. That unforgiveness has haunted me. It causes me to focus on my weak points, my character defects. It feeds my mistakes until they become characterizations. It swallowed me in darkness.

I am a mountain biker. I was riding in Fort Collins, Colorado once. I started riding in New Mexico and seeing cactus there was routine. You got used to it and learned to just avoid them. However, I rarely saw them in Colorado. I had just climbed this exhausting hill and noticed a cactus on the right side of the trail.thTC0IRUY8 I said to myself, “Boy, I will avoid that.” Then I said, “I wonder why I have never noticed that cactus before.”  Soon there were a multitude of odd thoughts about the cactus: size, color, uniqueness. As I crested the hill, I rode right into the cactus. I stopped as my tire went flat and stepped off the bike—into the cactus.

I think that is what is happening to me. I have spent so many years focusing on the cactus , that I forget to see the great weather, the wonderful day, the exercise, the path, all the good things about me and my journey. I forget that everyone has a cactus and few deal with it. The idea is to address it, and not dwell on it or in it.

Lord, help me forgive me as I forgive others and as you forgive me.thJFHP2U7U

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Posted by on May 13, 2015 in journey, life

 

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