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closer to fine

08 Jun

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
And we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yea we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival, we stand up for the lookout
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)

Closer I am to fine
(Fine)
Closer I am to fine
(Fine)
Closer I am to fine
(Fine, yea)

Indigo Girls – Closer To Fine Lyrics

I love the Indigo Girls. My favorite concert was at the Albuquerque Zoo when they played. It might have been the company, might have been the atrocious opening act. Might have been the strange juxtaposition to jungle animals in tiny habitats. I don’t know, but it was great. I wonder how much of my life I hear in Indigo Girls songs. I haven’t listened to much of the new stuff, but the 80’s and 90’s songs echo in my mind, recalling and calling out parts of my journey. They mark time, they encourage growth, they speak to me about not living in the past and being present for my life. Currently, this song is ringing in the hollow halls of my brain. I have been on the warpath to healing for several years now. I have been trying everything I could think of. I have be to counselors, doctors, spiritual guides, sponsors. I have taken trips to sacred places (ok Moab, Utah might not be sacred to you, but it is to me.) I have tried to be light hearted like a child, tried to be youthful forever, dated younger women to prove I was young. I turned back to church and small groups. I tried to get a view above everyone else. Tried to stand back. I have prayed, questioned, beckoned, heralded, and begged. I want an answer. I want comfort. I want peace and serenity.

However, serenity isn’t the absence of the storm, its peace within it.

I just want to be ok, I just want to be closer to fine. When I stopped focusing on the answers or the problem and just live…I am closer to healing. I am closer to God. I can hear the birds, see the colors, appreciate the moon. The less I beseech, beckon, herald, beg…and expect the final answer, the better off I am at living.

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Posted by on June 8, 2015 in journey

 

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