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11!

06 Nov

I’m 11 years old today. More of my rebirth date than my birth date. I returned my old life to God’s store. It was tattered and moldy. I had worn it out. The colors had faded and it no longer kept the wind and cold out. My life walked around like a man without a mind or heart. I was the walking dead.

The difference is that you cant really kill a zombie by shooting him in the head. I had to be shot in the heart and soul as well. I had hardened to life. The pain was so great in my heart. I felt empty and unloved. I craved connection. It was empty and desolate. I had protected it with the concrete I had at hand. I couldn’t let the pain in, but it also blocked the little bit of love from getting in and any love from getting out.

There were many attempts to shoot my heart and soul. The scales I had developed to protect myself from the pain were unpenetrated. However, inside the scales, I suffocated. I begged God to remove the scales. He told me it was going to hurt and so I walked away. As the pain got worse and the scales grew thicker, the light dimmed. I asked for the scales to be removed and again I was told it would hurt. Again I walked away. The pain became unbearable. I was so burdened with the scales, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t move. I begged for the removal again. God aid it was going to hurt, and I stood still. Over and over, God peeled the scales. He struck and swiped and clawed. I bled and screamed and felt the exquisite pain.

The pain did not stop when the scales fell away. Years later, my life was in turmoil. Everything vanished.. The pain has been intense followed by a slow white hot burn. The intensity increases over and over again, burning like vomit in your esophagus, coking the life away. There are some days I can keep it at bay. There are times I can work through it and live a life. There are also days that the pain devours my soul. “Some days you eat the bear, and some days the bear eats you.”

It is said that after a rebirth, life gets better. IT wasn’t that way for me. Things got much worse and now, I could feel it. I wasn’t sure I would survive.

I didnt

I find myself deep within myself. I discovered that I could show my inner self and be safe. I could allow myself to be accepted or rejected without it affecting who I was. I did not get to play the country song backward and have my dog live, my wife return and get my pickup back. Things have not been easy. The difference is that I am present. I am alive. I don’t ever want to live it again and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However, I wouldn’t trade it.

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