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forgive the cactus

“What time is it?”

“Now”

“Where are you?”

“Here.”

“Who are you?”

“This moment.”

Those were lines from the movie “Peaceful Warrior”.  I really loved that movie. It has a message of accepting yourself and living each moment fully and aware.

I have poor self esteem.thAA2DX6AT Hiding my insecurities has been the bane of my existence. I have tried all kinds of absurd things to appear confident and stable. It is as useless as painting a turd.

I tried to fake it, but the color of the turd started to wear through. I tried to ignore it in relationships, but the smell permeated and she ran. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but I stepped in it and made it worse.

I have been on a journey of deep introspection and self improvement. I have persevered when others have failed. I have been humbled. I have been faithful. I have been honest when I was told to lie. I have changed when others said to stay the same. I have learned to respect myself, like myself, trust myself. I just hadn’t learned to forgive myself. That unforgiveness has haunted me. It causes me to focus on my weak points, my character defects. It feeds my mistakes until they become characterizations. It swallowed me in darkness.

I am a mountain biker. I was riding in Fort Collins, Colorado once. I started riding in New Mexico and seeing cactus there was routine. You got used to it and learned to just avoid them. However, I rarely saw them in Colorado. I had just climbed this exhausting hill and noticed a cactus on the right side of the trail.thTC0IRUY8 I said to myself, “Boy, I will avoid that.” Then I said, “I wonder why I have never noticed that cactus before.”  Soon there were a multitude of odd thoughts about the cactus: size, color, uniqueness. As I crested the hill, I rode right into the cactus. I stopped as my tire went flat and stepped off the bike—into the cactus.

I think that is what is happening to me. I have spent so many years focusing on the cactus , that I forget to see the great weather, the wonderful day, the exercise, the path, all the good things about me and my journey. I forget that everyone has a cactus and few deal with it. The idea is to address it, and not dwell on it or in it.

Lord, help me forgive me as I forgive others and as you forgive me.thJFHP2U7U

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Posted by on May 13, 2015 in journey, life

 

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sand, cactus, and a southern bluebird

Had a lot on my mind, recently. I seem to enjoy the tumult in my life as I continue to add to it. I wonder if I get some solace out of creating a chaos and then repairing it. There is a line in the old “Get Smart” TV series where the leader of chaos tells Smart he needs Kaos because it suits him. I cant remember what Smart says in response. I wonder if I need a shoe phone.

I do enjoy keeping busy and it helps me to figure out things in the subconscious rather than over perseverating on them. (P.s. if you are one of the people that nodded in agreement, apparently that really bugs some people.) When things get overwhelming, I go for a bike ride and things magically get organized again.

When the clock struck Recently o’clock, I went for a ride. I put in my head phones and wondered if God would speak to me through the song selection again. I don’t really think God is scrolling through my playlist, but sometimes the lineup in the shuffle mode is reflective of inspiration. (Maybe I just have good taste in music). I got on my 29er and began the ride to the trailhead. An aside here, 29 inch wheels are pretty dang nifty, but it means your hips are near 35ish inches off the ground, with clearance and saddle height. Again, pretty nifty, well unless your inseam is 31. I rode to the trail head and began the undulations of a pretty glorious ride. I rounded a pretty sandy corner and my back tire slid out. I never used to be so concerned, but Albuquerque has seen fit to be arid enough to let cacti flourish. I had been anticipating this scenario as my bike tire is a tire only by strict definition. It is round and made of rubber material. However, the days of knobbies on that tire were long gone. I came to rest inches from the cactus. I cant swear to it, but I think I heard the cactus chuckle.

I just lay there a moment and heard a voice from under a nearby tree. Instantly, I thought of Mark Twain. It was a southern voice, almost singsong. It was mellow and playful. You felt like you could lean on the voice as it was sturdy and trustworthy. Occasionally, it stammered and broke the spell, sounding like Foghorn Leghorn. The voice said, “Albeit that sand looks more comfy than the cactus, Son, my suggestion to you is to get back up.” I smirked at the word suggestion. “Seems to me that you are mocking my lingo, Sir.” “Not at all, I have had the opportunity to be conditioned to smirk when anyone makes a suggestion. You see, it is suggested you wear a parachute when you jump from a plane.” The laugh was neither forced or dishonest. It was hearty and smooth. The kind of laugh that seems to give you a hug. I looked over at the voice under the tree, anxious to see the person who could hug my with a chuckle. I expected to see Colonel Sanders, sipping a mint julup. I saw a bluebird. There was no minty beverage nearby.

“You are a bluebird”, I exclaimed.
“And you are still in the sand, avoiding a cactus.” he retorted
“I have never seen a bluebird in New Mexico.”
“I am on vacation.”

I picked myself up and dusted away the dirt. I glanced at the cactus and smirked once again. I led my bike over to the shade and sat with the bluebird. We talked about life in general. Nothing specific, just about casual things. He asked me what I was doing in the sand and I went on to tell him about my tire. He said, “Boy, I don’t mean the physical sand, I am talking, I said, I am talking about the metaphorical sand.” He continued, “As I see it, you were running from chaos and chatter in your head and life. You came to a turn in your life and didn’t have the equipment or talent to remain upright.” “Correct, so far, go on.” “Well, my dusty friend, you hit the dirt, but avoided a prickly situation. The funny thing is that you were attracted to the prickle and directed your energy to it. It called to you and all you could do was slide right at it. It chuckled…”
“I knew I heard it chuckle.”
“I am talking about your life situation, not a plant, plants don’t talk.” “Your life situation chuckled as you approached and then rechuckled at you in the dirt.”
“I can see that, but I don’t know how you can.”
“Irrelevant. I find it most interesting that you chose to lie there for a spell.”
“Catching my breath.”
“Interesting, it is getting late, do you mind giving me a ride back to town?” With that, he hopped on my shoulder.

Its a fact. Its actual. Everything is satisfactual.

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2014 in journey, life

 

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