Tag Archives: christmas

snow angel, my @$$

I spent Christmas with my Dad. We were both going to be alone for the holidays and have our own reasons for not enjoying the holiday season. So, we decided to just hang out together. He is from New Mexico and has occasionally been heard to say that it gets too cold there. I live in Idaho, very close to Canada. And we had a cold snap. And we had snow. Lots of snow. I will never forget the look he gave me after I had to go out and buy a snowblower. It was an interesting combination of pity and disgust. It might have just been he was cold because we had to drive with the hatchback open to get it home. I didn’t ask because I was thinking about how fun power tools are. (It stops being fun after you have to do it three times within 12 hours.)


We had a very mellow good time. We even went grocery shopping. We made meals and watched Sons of Anarchy. We laughed and just enjoyed each other. I was looking in the pantry this morning and I cant find my cereal. There are 2 very large onions, some potatoes, and I think a box of pasta helper I didn’t buy. I also have a new toaster but I am not sure what happened to my frying pan.

He is a little hard of hearing and has a knack for starting conversations as you leave the room. I found myself holding my pee several times while he asked about something or told me a story. I also find myself whispering throughout my day because I find myself talking very loudly whenever I am around him. I slip into interpreting and repeating when we are out at restaurants or in stores. The day after he left I turned on the TV and panicked as the loud explosion on the show reverberated through the house. There was a brief minute, right after I nearly wet my pants, that I forgot that I could turn down the volume. deaf

My Dad has this knack of questioning things he disagrees with. It is very subtle. “So, you like to use crescent wrenches when you put together machinery?” Its not necessarily condemnation, but it is clear that a box wrench or even a gosh darn socket wrench would be better. I have developed two habits when questioned about anything in my life. One is to just say, “Yep.” The other is to have ready a complete explanation and rationale, complete with cited references and quoted statistics as to why the use of a crescent wrench is superior in agility and adjustable functionality.  For the snowblower, I just said, “Yep.”


We drive each other absolutely batty sometimes. We are good friends and enjoy each other most of the time. I am baffled by him frequently. I am amused by him as well. There are few people in this world I trust and respect as much as him. Its nice to get to pee when I need, recognize the food in my cabinets, and not feel the need for prepared answers when I use the lazy tool. I can have the TV at a volume that wont frighten airplane pilots.

I miss him.

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Posted by on January 9, 2017 in life, Uncategorized


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Christmas piercing

I have decided to give everyone I know a new and exciting gift this year. I am giving out brain piercings. I thought about brain tattoos, but the gelatinous consistency of brain matter made that too difficult. The tattoos looked like the saggy results of a chest tattoo being stretched by man boobs. It wasn’t pretty.

I came up with the idea when I woke up this morning with a headache. I get them fairly regularly, and today was a whopper. I generally get them directly behind my right eye. They are stabbing pain and feel better if I close that eye in a permanent wink and push on my eyeball slightly. I did the remedies I know, take a bath loaded with vapo-bath, snort water to clean out the sinuses, take aspirin, drink coffee. The headache gods were against me today and it persists. I thought that it sounded like a good idea to stick an icepick in my ear to try and poke out the spasming vessel that was offending my pain receptors. As I considered this new remedy, the thought occurred to me that it wouldn’t be a great idea because as I removed the icepick, the pain might recur. To be truly effective, I would have to leave the icepick in place. That is fine with me, but it isn’t very decorative. I could hang ribbons on the wood handle, but still it wouldn’t glimmer with the holiday season. The only way to truly relieve this pressure and to be in style was to pierce my brain. My course seemed clear.

I was pretty tired after such consternation so I didn’t complete the procedure as I dreamed of the reaction and the effect on society at large. I need to go to the bike store and the supermarket today. I imagined walking into the bike store and being lifted on the shoulders of the patrons and workers. They would laud me as “extreme.” They would see me as a role model of living life out loud. Suddenly, the baggy pant kids would lift their chinos above their hips, hiding the boxers underneath. They would shake their heads at the silliness of following the old craze. Mothers and single men at the supermarkets would resist the urge to buy one more gift and run to the local piercing shop for their chance at this miracle cure, and delightful fashion.

The drawback would be a rapid decrease in the sale of hats. Some of that is ok, particularly eliminating flat brims and sideways baseball caps, but in general, it would cause financial hardship on haberdashers everywhere, and they already have the handicap of being called haberdashers. Then people would still be going outside, and not wearing hats, so skin cancer would go up. There would be a shortage of dermatologist to excise the cancers. They would get even more surly. There would be dermatologist rage crimes. There would be videos about “when dermatologist go bad.” I would get a headache from all the worry. Two brain piercing seems excessive. Maybe I will just drink more water.

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Posted by on December 24, 2013 in journey


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