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growth, and worry not

Stretched my mind a bit. I was pondering the belief that there are infinite realities. If every decision we make has only 2 choices (usually there isn’t just 2 choices, but follow me here), then each time our realities would exponentially increase. The decision I make today has 2 choices today, but each of the choices I made 2 minutes ago would also have the same choice right now, thus increasing my realities 4 fold etc. It gets big quick.  Then if my decision now is eliminate by the alternative decision a few minutes ago, then that choice would have its own decisions to make. It is a little mind boggling.

I have been told, “Abandon all hope of a better past.” I have been reminded of it often, as I tend to get stuck in the past wishing I had made a different decision. Or imagining what my life would have been if I chose differently. I wonder if I had not gone to Starbucks the morning my life blew up what it would look like now. I would still be in a loveless marriage, beating myself up over my inability to ask for my needs to be met. I would have continued to lose myself and stunt my growth process. I would still be hiding. However, I would be with my kids, in a town I really enjoyed. I would be nearer to family. I wouldn’t have been through a few years of shame.

I got started on this imagination tour thinking about past relationships. I have gotten to the point that although I would never have chosen the course of how our marriage ended, I am thankful it did. I am not thankful for the pain I caused. However, I am learning to forgive myself for it.

I think about the “what ifs” with the relationships I had since then. There was a period of time that I was thinking I was trying to date, when really I was just looking for companionship. I was aloof and not emotionally connected. I wanted to be saved and to be loved, but I wasn’t ready to be honest and clear in my goals and direction. I thought about some of those. There was one woman who was a hair dresser. She was funny, smart, and very good looking. I really liked her and there could have been something between us. I was in a cycle of dating many women at the same time and after leaving her favorite flowers for her at work, I got back onto a dating site, where she had set up a false profile and felt that getting on and flirting was inappropriate. I wonder if I had been able to be honest with my feeling towards her what would have happened. It would have ended when I started teaching for sure. And I would not have been able to have my first long term relationship as a newly single man.

I knew I would fall in love with her the second I met her 28 years ago. I knew it would be soon the minute I heard she was going to get divorced. I knew it might make me “transistion boy” to date her right after the divorce, but I feared not getting to be with her if I waited. We dated and I learned so much about myself. I learned I feared and craved intimacy. I learned of my shame cycle and drama triangle. I learned I am loveable for me, faults and all. I learned that I can love. I learned that I am a good guy who has made bad mistakes. I learned to trust and lean. Unfortunately, I also learned that I can lean so hard that I slide into the victim role. I learned that my fear self-sabotages me and hurts others. I learned that loss when there is still love hurts much more.

I imagined what it would have been like if either of us had been more secure in our post divorce self. I wondered what it would have been like if I knew my intimacy craving and needs before we dated. I wonder what it would have been like if I was able to express how afraid of loving as strongly as I did. I wonder if I was more relationship able what would have happened. What if I was more secure, more knowledgeable, more loving, more ready  etc etc? I wasn’t and now we are not.

The difference in me? I am focusing on the good. I remember the times I felt free to be myself and loved for that. I remember the fun and laughter. I remember the feeling of physical intimacy engulfed with emotional connection and love. I also try not to over romanticize it and remember some of the difficulties. At the time, I felt like spiritual journey needed to be the same or it would cause friction. I understand now that it is in the different journeys we learn our own. The idea is not understanding or same, but respect and growth. I also felt like I needed to break up with her when I moved out of state. I was worried about being lonely and isolated. I forgot how simply talking to her on the phone or an occasional text makes my heart soar. I thought I needed her to solve my problems. I became the victim, whining about the horrendous things I had been through. I forgot to share and rejoice at the moment of being with the woman I truly, deeply love. Fear strangled me again. Worry.  There is another definition of worry. It is when a larger dog grabs ahold of another dog by the neck, teeth bared, and hold it against the ground. It bites and waits for the other dog to submit. When I worry, I let life circumstances hold me to the ground by my neck. I feel the fear teeth, the panic teeth breech my skin. I fight and the bite gets firmer. I forget to accept life on lifes terms and submit. In my futile wimpering, I lose out on being free. I trap myself by my own worry.

As I submit this time to the life circumstances, I am accepting the lessons learned. I am a better person now than I was even yesterday. I am preparing myself for me. I want to soar. I am hoping not to change the past, but to rejoice from it and live more fully into today with the lessons learned.

I love.

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Posted by on March 31, 2015 in journey, life

 

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intimacy burn

I am an intimacy addict, I think. As I trudged through this time in my life, I have been treated to some introspection. I believe we all have a God Spark. I think we are all given a Spark that set the foundation of who we are. IT is warm and attractive. It glows and seeks to unite with other Sparks. Its job and function is to relate to others, ourselves, and God. As soon as we are able, we start to hide it. IT makes us feel vulnerable to have it exposed. People seek to extinguish it. It is fragile, but real and so we protect it. WE hide it under Shame. We bury it under Hurt. We choke it with Fear. WE escape it with addiction.

I had lost my God Spark. It wasn’t ever out, it cant be, but I couldn’t see it. I didn’t think it existed. I had hid it so well, escaped it so thoroughly, lied about it so completely, I didn’t recognize it anymore. And since it didn’t match what I had lied about, I didn’t respect it when I saw it.

However, the Spark was there, clamoring to relate. It wanted interaction with its true self. I lied about what it was and sought interaction. I wanted intimacy and affection, but had no idea how to get it. MY ex-wife had learned to relate to my mask with her own mask. When I tried to take mine off, I broke the rules of our interaction and the rest is history. I texted women outside my marriage. I rationalized hat it wasn’t physical, but it was still cheating. I have no real excuse except for I just wanted my Spark to feel warm again and I hadn’t learned that I was actively trying to snuff it out by holding onto my Shame and Fear. I had been working on my escapism and didn’t have that defense mechanism anymore, and so was left confronting my heart and soul and mind. I found them freezing to death for lack of the Spark.

I pray for connection. I work on intimacy issues. I avoid addictive relationships. I am learning to be intimate with myself and to really love myself completely. I am up to a strong like.

My prayers were answered in a very different way recently.
I saw what it feels like to learn that someone you love is working on affection to another person. I needed to know how that seems to lessen the honesty of my words.
I felt the pain of knowing that I might not be the last good night or the first good morning. I needed to know that connection to a loose wire is difficult and exhausting.
I understood that I am not more wonderful, but just as wonderful. I need to remind myself that I am not too big or too small. I am just me. We all have a God Spark and mine is one just like everyone else, but also wholly different.
I felt the loss of deep intimacy for a lesser version. Not any less real, but less central to my core. I needed to know that connection is a life force. It is who we are and who we are meant to be. The connection is more important to protect and honor and respect. I needed to know to give it away delicately and with purpose.
I learned I am not special and that I am special. I am not the end all be all, but I am uniquely myself. When I uncover that Spark, I connect very well. I delight in me and in the Spark I share space, time, and warmth with.

I hurt and I am lonely. I am growing. Melt me, Mold me sounds painful, but wait until you experience it. I am tired. I am lost. I have learned a multitude of lessons in the last few years. I am being prepared for something wonderful, I hope. I wont let myself get stuck in a mask tete a tete again. I seek intimacy…true intimacy. With me, With God, and with another.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2015 in journey

 

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freeze that

IT has been cold here in Colorado. I am not talking about normal Colorado cold. I am talking about really dang cold. I have eaten lunch and taken a nap before it got to zero, cold. It is cold. (Still, some of the kids are wearing shorts to school) My muscles ache in the snow. My back pain from shoveling persists until it climbs to freezing again. My fingers and toes don’t thaw until Spring. Its just that cold.

I drove by a lake today. Most of it is frozen over and there is some snow on the ice. I shivered thinking about duck feet. I looked at the snow covered reminder that ice floats. Occasionally, the crystalline structures shimmered. I drove by and they seems to wink at me. Millions of tiny crystal fairies winking at me. It was spectacular. I couldn’t decide if they winked at something I didn’t know or just to say, “Hello.”

I remembered the last time I was confronted with anger and hostility. I have encountered that a lot this last year or more. There has been anger from people who days or weeks before were saying they loved me. I have seen hate in the eyes that once cried for comfort. I have seen and heard and felt the darkest emotions of my life this last 18 months. I have felt this cold before. I have seen the storm move over the hearts and freezing the souls of people I would rather be hugging.

The drive by the lake reminded me of their demeaner. The lake spoke to me about those hearts and souls. I felt the cut of the ice again. But just like the lake, I felt warmed by the occasional laughs. I felt the glow of an easy smile or a fond memory. I was reminded that there is ALWAYS a spark in people. There is ALWAYS beauty. Those sneaky Fairies are everywhere.

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2013 in divorce

 

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ummm…well it sounded like a great idea

how silly is this

how silly is this

I have a problem.

It isn’t that I have a glowing mini space machine in my mouth. It isn’t that I have plastic trays with some sort of goo in them in my mouth. It isn’t that I painted the walls yellow. Nope, my problem is that I thought of those were good ideas. I looked on the internet and saw a teeth whitening machine and thought to myself…”Yeah, that looks great.” I ordered it. I prepared the trays. I squirted goo, Eagerly, I put them in my mouth and then turned on this purple light and slid it in my mouth. Then I quickly ran through my house, past the yellow walls, into the spare bathroom with more yellow walls, and took a picture.

Yep, I have a problem. This better work.

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2013 in journey

 

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Dawn

I drive a school bus. This means I am up VERY early. The benefit of that is I get to see some pretty spectacular sunrises. I have always been pretty curious with the idea of some of the vernacular around the new day/dawn. “Tomorrow will be another day.” (profound, isn’t it?) “You are starting a new day, a new chapter in your life.” “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” Fascinating thing. The Dawn celebrates a new beginning. It calls to the cosmic “Do over” that we get to call when the game isn’t quite as planned. Dawn relishes in leaving the darkest dark behind. Dawn rejoices in light and color.

This morning the sunrise was pretty spectacular. The color was amazing. IT got me to thinking about what it takes to make a good sunrise, and my conclusion was it is clouds. Not excessive, but a smattering of clouds. I personally like the extended wispy clouds in my sunrises.

If the Dawn is the new day, the clouds are the difficulties from the day before. If we avoid our problems and don’t clean our slate at the end of each day, the cloud cover will prevent us from really seeing the light and color of a new start. My analogy breaks down when there are no clouds, but since I don’t really think that life exists without some difficulties, I will ignore that.

The wonder and joy comes in celebrating each day like a new introduction to an old friend.

 
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Posted by on August 30, 2013 in life

 

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glow worm

I just saw an ad for glow-in-the-dark pull-ups. This is brilliant. So often I wanted my kids to stare at their crotch. It is important to develop the skills for when you get older and experience dribbling and need to do the check as you leave the restroom. I wonder if they make adult diapers with glow in the dark pictures. It might not be the greatest idea to wear white anymore…I mean, glowing pictures of superheroes on your crotch in a nightclub might be a turnoff.

The commercial got me to thinking about other things that should be glow-in-the-dark. The obvious is glow in the dark condoms, like in the John Ritter movie. I have some concerns with those actually. It would seem that the goal of those would be to not see them, right? I am not sure I can fully support creating something to glow when it will be stifled.

I thought about glow in the dark bike parts. It is fraught with the same concern. Generally, when I bike and it is dark, it is because I made an error. So, the glow wouldn’t be seen as often as is warranted.

I think I would like glow in the dark eyeballs…just the white part.

 
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Posted by on August 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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