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be your own Alice

Ever feel like Alice in Wonderland?

I was hanging out in the shade of my life tree a few years ago. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. I wasn’t particularly growing, learning or progressing. I was just there. As I considered my circumstances, my consciousness slipped out. It wore a wonderful little suit and carried a pocket watch. It looked much like the rabbit. In my thoughts, I knew that a life without growth and change wasn’t really a life at all. I wasn’t living, I was existing. The Rabbit knew that I would get bad sores, or rather ground sores hanging out by the tree. He felt the pressure of time and the need to spring to life. As he ranted about time, and then scurried down the rabbit hole, I paused…

I didn’t know how to stand up anymore. I had let life flow by and let the tree tell me what I felt and thought for so long, I had no idea how to be myself. I didn’t know how my brain, heart, and muscles worked anymore. I had been deadened and mostly embalmed so slowly, I had hardly recognized it. I was startled. I was even more startled when my brain, heart, and muscles united in a burst of strength. I stood up. I was hurky jerky at first and made mistakes as I learned to walk again. In concert, my essence encouraged me to be who I am. I stood, jerked, and then plummeted after my consciousness into a tiny little whole left from dreams gone by.

The dream enveloped me. It was really a dream about me. It was living from the inside out. I had hid and covered and been shameful about my insides for so long, I forgot who I was. I no longer existed in whole, just leaks of me that would stain the ground around the tree, being held as examples of how I didn’t measure up.

I separated from the shaded area and went to discover the land of me. To understand where the Rabbit lived. There were a multitude of people I met. I met people who were mirrors to my soul and didn’t tell me how my soul should be and act. There were some odd encounters and people I left more confused then I went in with. The smoking smiling cat on a mushroom showed up in a teacher, a cosmetologist, and a few others. As they became invisible, I did get to see how I was pretending to live in the land of the tree all over again. As the smile faded, I was left with the smoke and fog.

I met the Mad Hatter as well. The Mad Hatter in my story was fun to be around. I enjoyed the company. I learned about myself and I learned I took myself too seriously. The Queen of Hearts had set up all kinds of rules I couldn’t follow. In order to be with her, I had to obey and remember all of them. It was exhausting. She was beautiful, and I liked the person inside, but the outside had become 2 dimensional and rigid. I met the Rabbit down there. Well, a close approximation. I thought it was the Rabbit. I loved it, and I cherished it. I would lose it, but not before I tried too hard, leaned too much, depended too greatly. I had been in repose in another shade tree, deep inside my dream.

I drank the potion and felt myself shrink. I gulped humility. I shrunk. I clamored for help, and tried to accept my diminuitive size. I left the inflated self and grew content exploring the child inside. I was tranquil with who I was. I brought me to drive a school bus every day. I accepted myself and grew to enormous size. I felt like I had triumphed. My humility shrank and I needed to recapture some of my status to feel whole again. I went back to my old career to prove I could, and to feed my growing ego. I didn’t fit in my small world and had to move locations. It required leaving me behind. I didn’t recognize that I liked be the best I ever had when I was there. I connected with the other Rabbit. I didn’t need to inflate or deflate. I was comfortable in my own skin. The problem with being bid is you have to maintain big. Or so I thought.

As I grew into my loose fitting ego, I tried to call on the past to come with me. I wanted to like myself and be proud of myself. I needed the accolades. I had already blown living in that world, and that world needed me to go as much as I needed to go.

The nice news is that I didn’t know anyone in this world. The largeness wasn’t required. The growth was limited by requirements that seem to force humility at first. Later, I recognized, it offers humility and personal growth, rather than external. I could live without the old definitions and preconceptions. I could just be me in every circumstance. More so, I only had me to see me and define me, and recognize me. I had emerged from the dream as my ego became smaller. I left the tree behind. I left the too big and too small me behind. I get to know what kind of person I am. I get to know I can handle growth and change. I am simply my own Alice.

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Posted by on April 8, 2015 in journey, life

 

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hmm, sometimes a whisper screams

OK. lets chat awhile about answered prayers. I have known people that say all prayers are answered and sometimes the answer is, “No”. I have known people who firmly believe that God will listen to all the prayers. I have heard people say it is ridiculous think that makes sense. I have thought about prayer as an opportunity to talk to God, to commune with the Creator. Alternatively, I have also thought that prayer is me talking to my invisible friend.

I pretended for years to pray. I said great things and suggested I pray at meals and with my ex wife. I would assume a caring look and falsely reassure someone that I was praying for them. It was a wonderful tool to get people to stop talking and be grateful to me at the same time. I used it as a conversation ender and an image builder.

And still, I was doing it. I did foxhole prayers for a long time. “Please God, get me out of this mess.” I prayed for new cars, financial success, etc etc. I treated God as a vending machine. I put in money for charity and the donation plate, and I expected goodies out the bottom. I was kind of pissed when I didn’t get what I wanted. I used it to help me question God’s existence.

I tried to pray to bring the wrath of God upon others. I prayed for car accidents and financial ruin. I urged God to give people their come uppance. I am embarrassed to say that I tried to manipulate God to do my bidding. I tried to hire God as my Holy Hitman. I was pissed that he didn’t gleefully take the job.

Seven years ago, I finally uttered the first honest prayer of my life. “Help me.” It was all I could get out. I was dead spiritually and emotionally and hoping to die physically. I was shattered. God answered by surrounding me with other people who screamed the same prayer at some point in their life. “Be careful for what you pray for, you might just get it.” Aesops fables.

I prayed to see where God wanted me. I prayed to be content. I prayed for humility. I prayed to be true to myself and to God. I prayed to be honest and open and real. I prayed to God to help me in my unbelief. God answered. I didn’t see it for a long time. I am not sure I really even see it now. However, I have been treated to the opportunity to be humble and avoid humiliation. I have had to be brutally honest. I have seen and heard doors closing. I have been in a situation that there is nothing else to do, where I have to just be. God answered

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in faith

 

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