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chew my house, beast

I think my house is being bit. I understand it sounds delusional, but I am looking out my windows and there are these long pointed teeth everywhere. When I open the door, I can feel the icy breath curling around my bare ankles. It nibbles at exposed skin. Perhaps the mouth biting my house is an alien life form and there is little nibbling heads within that like flesh better than dwellings. I cant be certain because I close the door quickly.

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On a particularly adventurous and brave day, I went out and knocked out some of the teeth. I figured that perhaps it would save my house if I forced the frigid being to gum my house instead of chew. I strutted around in the 30 degree weather, thinking I had bested the wintery beast. I treated myself to popcorn and apple cider. I had won. I had outwitted the monster. img_20170108_074641

I awoke the next day to 4 degree weather. The teeth had returned. I think they were bigger than before. I was dejected. I soothed my troubled and cold self with popcorn and apple cider. The wind is blowing and the sounds of chewing plop from the trees. The nibblers sneak in the drafty spots. I shovel off the frozen saliva from the porch and driveway. It is stacked everywhere. The frozen froth fills my yard and the street. The beast is hungry.

 

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Posted by on January 10, 2017 in life, Uncategorized

 

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Frozen Tundra Brain

Brain Freeze.

As I say it, I can actually feel it. That icy feeling that hits right behind the eyes. The sudden thought that perhaps snorting tobasco sauce would be a pleasurable experience. That thought followed by the fear that perhaps this feeling will never go away. The delusion that your brain will be forever frozen in a block of ice, like Encino Man. In a 1000 years, some teenager with an inferiority complex will thaw out your head in a shed in order to impress girls. cold

It has been very cold this winter. This morning it was zero degrees. I decided that I would not get up until the weather had a positive attitude. It then skyrocketed to one degree and I sprinted to the shower to get ready for work. I have been asked some very odd questions and seen seemingly normal people do so bizarre things in the last few weeks. I think their brain is frozen. The weather and the prolonged darkness that happens up here near Canada has dealt their psyche a “life slurpee”. The environment and mother nature has slipped them a Slurpee mickey. Its as if, in the normal course of life, there was some sneakiness afoot. As they drank hot chocolate with marshmallows, Mother Nature wrapped a blanket around their shoulders as she dropped a Slurpee pill into the beverage.

colder

As I hustle to various indoor settings, I glance at people. The heads tilted to the side, necks buckling under the weight of the ice block around their brain. I wonder if they are even aware of the desire to thaw out. Is the brain so frozen that the thought of being sluggish and paralyzed intellectually not recognized? Is the fact that the icy interior makes movement stiff beyond them?  Do they see that the words are sluggish, the demeanor chilly? Do they feel the frozen thoughts like blue toes after skiing? Do they understand that with ice on the brain, and frigid thought running in their brain that they shouldnt be operating machinery? Perhaps the reason that there are so many wrecks in the winter storms is that someone has life slurpee all over the place.

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2017 in life, Uncategorized

 

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break the ice

Do you remember the game, “Don’t break the Ice”? It was a stage and there were maybe 25 plastic ice cubes wedged into it. There was this red man in a chair that you would put in the middle of the ice. The goal was to knock out ice cubes until someone let the guy fall through the stage. And then you’d laughingly set it all up again and the guy would be perched, unfazed, on the ice once again.

I have this terrifying thought that life is like that. We are set up a foundation for our life, based on expectations, beliefs, emotions, etc. They fit together nicely and fill the stage. The world then chips away at our ice, piece by piece refuted or humiliated. We back bite, cheat, steal, lie, injure. It is a game of chip the other guys ice before yours is broken. We are sanctimonious and rationalize why we chip at the other ice.  “IT is for their own god.” “It is God’s Will.” “I injure you to protect others.”

The ice breaks and we fall. However, unlike our placid friend, we feel the cold water. We plummet in the depths. We struggle to breath as the water and the cold engulf us. We sink or swim. Sometimes the decision isn’t clear and we gulp water as we try and surface. Nearly drowning in the icy water. We crawl to the surface and laughingly rebuild the ice. We perch in our chair, grinning to face another round of the maddening and sickening game, shivering in fear, cold, and isolation.  Never bothering to question why we are out on the ice.

The ice feels solid. The ice feel real. Even though it is cold and cuts the fingertips. Even though it is slowly eroded by the water underneath and the chipping from life on life’s terms, we trust it. We believe in it. IT is tangible in a world of intangible. It is solid in a world of icy water. And so it lends comfort. It lends the illusion of safety. We can even imagine we are warm. “At least I am not in the water right now.” “I have more ice then that guy.”

Stand up, walk off the ice. IT isn’t easy. IT isn’t safe. You will be called back. You will be taunted. You will be told of expectations and rules and limits. You will be told that the rules cant be changed for you. You will be exposed. Its lonely because few people are ready to trust, honor, share, believe in anything but the ice and the water. Few people will ever take this voyage. Most who do, return to the chipping, to the sitting. Most sit in the chair of discontent, waiting for the ice to break.

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2017 in journey, life

 

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freeze that

IT has been cold here in Colorado. I am not talking about normal Colorado cold. I am talking about really dang cold. I have eaten lunch and taken a nap before it got to zero, cold. It is cold. (Still, some of the kids are wearing shorts to school) My muscles ache in the snow. My back pain from shoveling persists until it climbs to freezing again. My fingers and toes don’t thaw until Spring. Its just that cold.

I drove by a lake today. Most of it is frozen over and there is some snow on the ice. I shivered thinking about duck feet. I looked at the snow covered reminder that ice floats. Occasionally, the crystalline structures shimmered. I drove by and they seems to wink at me. Millions of tiny crystal fairies winking at me. It was spectacular. I couldn’t decide if they winked at something I didn’t know or just to say, “Hello.”

I remembered the last time I was confronted with anger and hostility. I have encountered that a lot this last year or more. There has been anger from people who days or weeks before were saying they loved me. I have seen hate in the eyes that once cried for comfort. I have seen and heard and felt the darkest emotions of my life this last 18 months. I have felt this cold before. I have seen the storm move over the hearts and freezing the souls of people I would rather be hugging.

The drive by the lake reminded me of their demeaner. The lake spoke to me about those hearts and souls. I felt the cut of the ice again. But just like the lake, I felt warmed by the occasional laughs. I felt the glow of an easy smile or a fond memory. I was reminded that there is ALWAYS a spark in people. There is ALWAYS beauty. Those sneaky Fairies are everywhere.

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2013 in divorce

 

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