Are you ready?
What a silly question that is. How would you ever be expected to answer that in any situation? I have asked that question thousands of times and am realizing that it is as arbitrary as, “How are you?” When I ask it, it is before doing something that someone has never done before or is fearing anyway. So, they would either not know or now have an added anticipation. Truth be known, I wasn’t really expecting a response, just like when I have asked, “How are you?” most of the time. (In all fairness, that was in the past. I actually ask it now wanting to know.)
It is also a wonderful question. It allows someone to check their emotions and state of being. It allows a moment of steeling oneself against the unknown or the feared. It is a verbal pause in the action. IT unites and says, “I am here with you as you go through this.”
“Are you ready for a miracle” played on my old battered CD player when my first child was born. “Its a wonderful life” played for the second.
I had a friend ask me that question, recently. We had been talking about the abrupt marriage of my ex wife. They were engaged 3 months after we divorced and married less than a year after. She is an angry, bitter woman right now. She is incredibly mean to me, but worst of all, uses the kids as weapons. She has orchestrated estrangement of one, and alienation from the other. IT has been brutal and disgusting. The friend commented that perhaps she uses the anger and hostility as a cover for love. They explained that in order to be ‘right’, she has to push me away and prove I am a jerk or her marriage was a mistake and all the evil things she has done are wrong. It would explain the letter to family and friends, the report to the medical board, stealing my computer, alienation from the kids, recruiting family and friends to hate me and reject me, lying to my family to gain favor…etc. I just don’t buy it. Its been 2 years since I left, 1 year since the divorce.
The friend pushed on. They asked if I was ready to move on. I said I was. They pushed even harder (did I say friend? 🙂 ) and asked if my anger was hiding something. They pointed out that I tend to be a recluse. They pointed out that I get very upset about the actions she takes with my daughters. They pointed out that I have gone from never talking bad about her to often calling her “nutty.”
I have been pondering that. The truth is that I still love her. I don’t want to be with her and I am not in love with her. I just remember that there is some good stuff about her. I try and hold onto it, but she keeps trying to pry the good memories from my hand. I wont let go. I have had dreams where we go back to before all the garbage and stay married etc. I was miserable and would be miserable since she didn’t want to do counseling with me. My only thought is then I could be with my girls. I could be ‘daddy’. I have even dreamt of her trying to reverse all the stuff she has done. That really wouldn’t work and I still wouldn’t want to be with her.
I have been pondering the question. I am totally ready to move on from her. I really have moved on from her and I am ready to be in love and in life. I cant be totally positive of that answer as I haven’t done it before, but I feel ready and excited about it. I am not ready to move on from my kids. They have rejected me as dad and I don’t really get to see them often. They refuse to call me dad, hug me, or tell me that they love me. I can forgive that as I know they are hurt and reeling. But I cant let go of them. I won’t. And since it is so important to me, that is what she uses to hurt me. I get it. I don’t like it. But if the cost of holding onto my kids as best as I can is getting hit by the broom like the three blind mice, I will.
Is that crazy of me? I know the whole if you love something, set it free…nonsense. I know you can hold too tight. I know it anchors me to the past and holds me back in moving on. It is an albatross. But can I really just walk away? OK, your turn, how do you navigate these shark infested waters?