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safe, warm, loved

you are safe. you are warm. you are loved.

I had a friend say this to me once several years ago. I didn’t really grasp its significance. I have quoted it to others. I have pondered it like play-doh in my head. I have felt like it was an important piece of information and that I should hold onto it.

“You have to go through times in your life knowing that you will be protected by your Higher Power.” the counselor said. She was talking to another person, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to understand and believe that God will be protecting my from something and wants the best thing for me in the long run. I cant see it or even begin to grasp it. Its like the movie scene where the hero is trying to reach the gun that is just out of reach. I cannot know why I am alienated from my children right now. I cant know why my ex-wife is so abusive to all three of us. I cant know why I needed to move to another state, do a totally different job, and be so isolated from friends and family. I just need to be comforted by the fact that God is protecting me from something. He is leading me to something glorious, if I will follow.

I am safe. 

safetyI originally thought this was physically safe. It may be, but it is also so much more. Safety had little to do with saving my from lions, tigers, and bears. There are times I have been in physical danger, and I am in a place where that isn’t a huge threat, but I am not sure that is what the quote was talking about. The safety has to do more with both an over all protection of the whole me and the integrity of self as well as being safe for others to approach. It is the protection from further loss. For me, safety has come to mean that the harm can be healed and not just reinjured. It means that when I have done harm, others know that I will work to mend the relationship and the wound. I have felt safe and not been safe at the same time. I think that I have been so scared of loss that I have been overly protective of my heart and then am not safe to approach. It is that fear that has repeatidly added tumult to my life. When I say, I am safe now, I think of feeling safe and protected by God as well as being safe to love and be loved.

I am warm.

. warmDo you remember the times in your life that you felt like you were standing alone in a wind storm. Your soul and heart shivered and cowered. Your mood was icy and you felt little to no joy. You felt alone and cold. If I am warm, I have hope. The hope of salvation is an obvious answer, but I mean more of the hope that this will get better. The hope that I will persevere. The hope that I am worthy. The hope that I am protected from the storm.

I am loved.

lovedThis is the hardest one for me. I never understood why people loved me. I never really understood what love meant. I had never really experienced unconditional love before. I felt I had to perform and be good to be loved by my parents. My ex wife was very concerned with outward appearances. I played the same role with her. I faked it. I thought it was love. It was control. I thought I felt it with my kids, and probably did. They have just started doing what I did and reject before feeling rejected. They are hurt and cant express it, so resort to anger. I craved it with my ex girlfriend and I think it was the closest I had ever been to it. I was able to love that way and felt loved that way. It scared me, actually. With great love, comes great risk, that can lead to great hurt. It took these experiences and this pain for me to see that I was unlovable until I loved myself. I had to learn to forgive me, love me, respect me, like me. I hadn’t learned it before and so ran away into my past. Loving internal reflects to love outward.

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Posted by on April 24, 2015 in journey, life

 

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safe

I played right field in little league. I thought it was because I was loud enough that you could still hear my chatter from there. I really was pretty zealous about me, “Hey Batter, Batter.” I would even time my “Swing, Batter,” so they would follow my directions and miss the ball. As far as chatter went, I was excellent. It was years later that I was told that right field in little league was not such a pivotal role. I also heard they stopped allowing chatter. Sad.

I daydream a lot. Its a character trait, I think. I loved to imagine being the hero. I would imagine a hit, running the bases. I liked the drama of an overthrow as I ran to the next plate. The base coach urging me on as I rounded second into third base. What’s this? Another overthrow? I round third. Arms pumping, chest heaving, heart pounding. I sense the throw as I dive into home plate. The sound of the ball in the glove, the dirt clears, the umpire spreads his arms and yells, “SAFE.”

What a great feeling that would be. I see the faces. I see my teammates declaring that, “You are safe.” I see the crowd jumping from their seats declaring, “Safe, Safe, he was safe.”

I like that word, “Safe.” As I went through my divorce, my ex would tell me she didn’t feel safe around me. She explained that she felt emotionally unsafe and vulnerable. I am not sure I understood it completely. I always thought of myself as safe, and easy to talk to. I never really thought I could be someone who another person felt unsafe around. It dug deep. In 22 years of knowing my ex, the two worst things she said about me was that she didn’t feel intimate to me anymore and this.

Recently, I was told I was “Safe”. It was different then how I used to think about it. For 22 years I was under the impression that safe was contingent on agreement. I thought that in order to have the umpire spread his arms, and for the crowd to leap, I needed to agree or comply or perform in a certain way. However, this time it was actually when we didn’t agree about something that I was told that I was safe. It was because I listened and considered and didn’t take it personally. The team mate hollered, “You are safe.” It wasn’t because I said the right thing, or agreed, or complied, or performed. It was because I stayed in the game. It was because I didn’t wonder off into left field after rounding second. I didn’t panic at being left alone when my heart pounded. It was because I didn’t worry about isolation and the cold shoulder when my breath heaved. It was because I stayed in the game.

However, it took the team mate to also be trustworthy. It took the desire to relate. It took the understanding that we are different and are sharing a journey, not an opinion. It took celebrating the home base win. It took sharing the safety.

I sure like that word.

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2013 in divorce, journey, life

 

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