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chew my house, beast

I think my house is being bit. I understand it sounds delusional, but I am looking out my windows and there are these long pointed teeth everywhere. When I open the door, I can feel the icy breath curling around my bare ankles. It nibbles at exposed skin. Perhaps the mouth biting my house is an alien life form and there is little nibbling heads within that like flesh better than dwellings. I cant be certain because I close the door quickly.

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On a particularly adventurous and brave day, I went out and knocked out some of the teeth. I figured that perhaps it would save my house if I forced the frigid being to gum my house instead of chew. I strutted around in the 30 degree weather, thinking I had bested the wintery beast. I treated myself to popcorn and apple cider. I had won. I had outwitted the monster. img_20170108_074641

I awoke the next day to 4 degree weather. The teeth had returned. I think they were bigger than before. I was dejected. I soothed my troubled and cold self with popcorn and apple cider. The wind is blowing and the sounds of chewing plop from the trees. The nibblers sneak in the drafty spots. I shovel off the frozen saliva from the porch and driveway. It is stacked everywhere. The frozen froth fills my yard and the street. The beast is hungry.

 

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2017 in life, Uncategorized

 

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snow angel, my @$$

I spent Christmas with my Dad. We were both going to be alone for the holidays and have our own reasons for not enjoying the holiday season. So, we decided to just hang out together. He is from New Mexico and has occasionally been heard to say that it gets too cold there. I live in Idaho, very close to Canada. And we had a cold snap. And we had snow. Lots of snow. I will never forget the look he gave me after I had to go out and buy a snowblower. It was an interesting combination of pity and disgust. It might have just been he was cold because we had to drive with the hatchback open to get it home. I didn’t ask because I was thinking about how fun power tools are. (It stops being fun after you have to do it three times within 12 hours.)

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We had a very mellow good time. We even went grocery shopping. We made meals and watched Sons of Anarchy. We laughed and just enjoyed each other. I was looking in the pantry this morning and I cant find my cereal. There are 2 very large onions, some potatoes, and I think a box of pasta helper I didn’t buy. I also have a new toaster but I am not sure what happened to my frying pan.

He is a little hard of hearing and has a knack for starting conversations as you leave the room. I found myself holding my pee several times while he asked about something or told me a story. I also find myself whispering throughout my day because I find myself talking very loudly whenever I am around him. I slip into interpreting and repeating when we are out at restaurants or in stores. The day after he left I turned on the TV and panicked as the loud explosion on the show reverberated through the house. There was a brief minute, right after I nearly wet my pants, that I forgot that I could turn down the volume. deaf

My Dad has this knack of questioning things he disagrees with. It is very subtle. “So, you like to use crescent wrenches when you put together machinery?” Its not necessarily condemnation, but it is clear that a box wrench or even a gosh darn socket wrench would be better. I have developed two habits when questioned about anything in my life. One is to just say, “Yep.” The other is to have ready a complete explanation and rationale, complete with cited references and quoted statistics as to why the use of a crescent wrench is superior in agility and adjustable functionality.  For the snowblower, I just said, “Yep.”

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We drive each other absolutely batty sometimes. We are good friends and enjoy each other most of the time. I am baffled by him frequently. I am amused by him as well. There are few people in this world I trust and respect as much as him. Its nice to get to pee when I need, recognize the food in my cabinets, and not feel the need for prepared answers when I use the lazy tool. I can have the TV at a volume that wont frighten airplane pilots.

I miss him.

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2017 in life, Uncategorized

 

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Frozen Tundra Brain

Brain Freeze.

As I say it, I can actually feel it. That icy feeling that hits right behind the eyes. The sudden thought that perhaps snorting tobasco sauce would be a pleasurable experience. That thought followed by the fear that perhaps this feeling will never go away. The delusion that your brain will be forever frozen in a block of ice, like Encino Man. In a 1000 years, some teenager with an inferiority complex will thaw out your head in a shed in order to impress girls. cold

It has been very cold this winter. This morning it was zero degrees. I decided that I would not get up until the weather had a positive attitude. It then skyrocketed to one degree and I sprinted to the shower to get ready for work. I have been asked some very odd questions and seen seemingly normal people do so bizarre things in the last few weeks. I think their brain is frozen. The weather and the prolonged darkness that happens up here near Canada has dealt their psyche a “life slurpee”. The environment and mother nature has slipped them a Slurpee mickey. Its as if, in the normal course of life, there was some sneakiness afoot. As they drank hot chocolate with marshmallows, Mother Nature wrapped a blanket around their shoulders as she dropped a Slurpee pill into the beverage.

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As I hustle to various indoor settings, I glance at people. The heads tilted to the side, necks buckling under the weight of the ice block around their brain. I wonder if they are even aware of the desire to thaw out. Is the brain so frozen that the thought of being sluggish and paralyzed intellectually not recognized? Is the fact that the icy interior makes movement stiff beyond them?  Do they see that the words are sluggish, the demeanor chilly? Do they feel the frozen thoughts like blue toes after skiing? Do they understand that with ice on the brain, and frigid thought running in their brain that they shouldnt be operating machinery? Perhaps the reason that there are so many wrecks in the winter storms is that someone has life slurpee all over the place.

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2017 in life, Uncategorized

 

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