Tag Archives: Warrior

C, B, and P

I thought about drinking today. IT has been a long time since that happened. It was insidious.

I have been lost in the past recently. I have been thinking about who I was. I have made some tragic mistakes and some dramatic changes. The past holds me sometimes. I recall moments of time that I was comfortable and safe. I think about things I could have done differently to hold on to those moments. I lie to myself and tell myself that fleeting moments can be permanent. I imagine I can change the past by wishing, dreaming, or re-battling old arguments. I got lost in the past. I questioned my decision to leave Colorado. I questioned leaving New Mexico and feeling love blossom. I longed for that feeling.

I was worried about the future. How will I do in the new job, in the new state? How will I make it alone and isolated from friends, family, and loves? I am uncertain about decision I need to make. I am unsure of who I am and how I will be. I was scared.

“If you have one foot in the future and one in the past, you are pissing on today.” AA wisdom.

AS my mind stretched, I lost track of the present. I forgot to live in the moment. I forgot to delight in the ordinary. I forgot to make decision based on the now, the present, the me, the moment. As soon as I did, I left the gate open. Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful snuck over the fence. They surrounded me, laughing and taunting. Shame pulled the strings and the puppets fed my soul to their master. As He chewed, I thought of drinking. I was unaware of the threat. As I felt the pain and the misery, I woke. My soul screamed and I woke up. I paused and went to be around other people sharing their story. I woke up to the present. I asked God to show up and He always does.

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Posted by on January 1, 2015 in journey


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in a maze and a haze

I saw “Maze Runners” recently. It was an ok movie, but it really got me thinking. In the movie, several guys are trapped in a park in the middle of the maze. They have created a society within the maze and have been mapping out the maze for several years. A select few are chosen to be maze runners. The trick is that the maze changes every night, amidst horrifying noises. Near the end of the movie, we discover they have mapped out the entire maze and its various changes. They think they have discovered there is no way out of the maze, but have made the decision not to tell the others for fear of stealing hope.

It hit me this weekend, the movie is an allegory for my life. I was placed in the middle of a maze. Periodically, I add new facets to who I am. Together we have made a society. I have the runners, the enforcers, the scared boys. I have boys that rail against the system and ones who meekly keep working. There are boys who seek the bigger answer and those that are content to trudge along. In the movie, and in my heart, there is a time that a new facet arrives. He is different. He thins different, he is inspired by some different knowledge of a greater force. He resolves to figure a different solution.

However, before that. I imagine when there was just one person, who even a few. The decision to venture into the shifting maze would have been a tough one. In the movie, at night creatures arrive at nightfall as the entrance to the maze closes. Occasionally, someone is exiled to the maze at dark or gets trapped there. I imagine being the first one to be caught there. The darkness falls and the noises continue. You see the creature and run. Dead-ends and moving walls make it harder to hide. The terror and bewilderment begin to close in and panic ensues. I have felt like that rat, ramming my head against a wall again and again. I was afraid and confused. I was separated from any potential goal and just trying to survive. The creatures claimed part of me that night too.

I have felt like the boy consigned to be a hanger-on. I never ventured into the maze, figuring I deserved the isolation and disorientation. I pretended it was all going to be just fine living inside. I ached for the outside despite not remembering what it was.

I have been the warrior, bound by the rules. I held strict guidelines, never to be broken. I did the right things, said the right things. More to protect me from myself than the outside world. I wouldn’t leave the maze either, unless to enforce some rules.

I have been the maze runners. I see the changes. As I think I figure out my maze, my consciousness, it changes. As soon as I know a turn or twist, it morphs into something else. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was. As I captured it, it changed. Walls and barriers shifted. Heart delighted, and heart defeated. Running from the creatures of the night, feeling brave and triumphant during the day. I was as confused then as any other time.

I have been the new person, unconcerned with the shift. Seeing the maze as one overall picture, rather than pieces to be explored. I confronted and defeated the creature. I used that experience to forge ahead and develop a plan. I returned to myself and took the braver parts with me. I found a way out of them maze.

Like a rat picked up from the cheese, I longed at times to return to the familiar. The force lifted me above the maze and I could see what it was. I was not to be in the maze. It isn’t the plan for me. It was a self created barrier. I thought it kept me safe from the world, but it was my prison. The creatures, the shifting walls, I designed to keep others out. I saw it now, and I thought I was free.

Another force announced there would be another test. I have more to learn, more to face, more to love.

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Posted by on December 8, 2014 in journey, life


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forged or forced

The weight said forged iron. I have seen different metals that declared they were forged. They are stronger, solid. They weren’t always like that. They were pieces. It had to be shattered, melted, shaped, and molded.

Her face was pinched. Her eyes give her pain away. They seem to brim with tears even when they are dry from the cold breeze. The face muscles squeeze out a smile. It looked painted on like a circus clown. I imagined squeeking her nose, but decided not to. I was a little afraid she’d explode. She swallowed and declared that everything was “fine.” She assumed the air of a breeze and flitted around the room. Her voice became lofty and shallow. She forced.

I sat with him. We shared stories. We shared hearts and souls. He had been shattered as bad as I had been. He had been melted by the heat of a living Hell too. HE had been shaped by necessity and integrity. He had been molded by the assurance that God loved. He had been forged.

There is a movie, “First Knight” with Heath Ledger. He is on the ground after losing a joust. His opponent stands over him and says, “You have been weighed and measured and found wanting.” He then forces and fails. After the failure, the fidelity of his friends is seen by King Edward and he is knighted. He had been weighted and measured, then defeated, then shattered, melted. The love of his friends shaped and molded him…he was forged by love.

Forged or forced?

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Posted by on March 11, 2014 in journey, life


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I am a fan of the movie, “Peaceful Warrior.” It feels to me like if a 12 step lesson and a Rocky movie had a baby. That baby would be best friends with this movie.

I am haunted by one scene in particular and it never ceases to make me shudder just a bit. IF you’ve seen the movie, you know the scene. Let me describe it. The protagonists life is falling apart, as lives tend to do from time to time. He hobbles out of his dorm room, carrying his cane. We see him entering a clock tower and then climbing out the ledge at the top. He throws the cane off the ledge. In the darkness comes another voice from the ledge. After some scary interactions, we see he is meeting himself on the ledge. But it is the former, cocky self. The young and dumb self. It is the self assured, blind to life self. It is the self centered and self absorbed self. The self absorbed self nearly pulls the hobbled self off the ledge. Suddenly, Hobbled Self tries to pull Selfish Guy back on the ledge and not die. He realizes that to move past his injury and his sludge he needs to let this guy fall. He needs to die to himself.

Selfish self yells at Hobbled self. He asks questions that really bother me. He asks, “Do you know who you are without me?” The answer is a meek but truthful, “No.” He bellows, “Do you know what you are doing?” Again, “No” is the reply. Hobbled self gathers his strength and lets himself go.

This scene haunts me. I ask myself, “Do I know who I am without my career or whatever trappings I carry?” Do I know what I am doing when I just try to BE instead of DO? Am I lost? Could I face myself and let me go?

The Grace I have been given is that I have been hobbled and faced my former self. I did have the courage to let go. I do know who I am. I would not wish the path I took to get here on anyone, but the outcome is glorious.

Whenever I think of that scene, another comes to mind…
“Where are you?” says the voice over.
“Here” says unhobbled, Hobbled Self.
“What time is it?”
“Who are you?”
“The moment.”

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Posted by on September 3, 2013 in life


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